In the last few years, I’ve explored vulnerability and what it means to me. Extrapolating the subterfuge involved in the tentacles of this very charged word doesn’t come without its hazards. Lately, I’ve been asking how to handle the consequences of “being real,” especially when your truth doesn’t land in the way you intended. It is a messy business to embrace an authentic self and it often feels like I am sinking, rather than floating atop of a halo of goodness. Vulnerability requires an unflinching honesty about yourself, people, situations and circumstances, but it is done through the edges and corners of your individual truth. I’ve said over and over again how much I detest cliches, but the one maxim I cannot ignore is this: one’s truth is based on his or her perception. It’s colored by singular conflicts, experiences and emotions which only YOU are able to identify with, while other people have another viewpoint because their lens is tinted with different hues.
How do you explore vulnerability when a bridge doesn’t exist to bring two disparate vantage points together?
I’ve pondered this question and my excavation pushed me against another inquiry – what if vulnerability is causing havoc in your life? Sometimes it feels like I am in quicksand, grasping for dry land, but mulling around the murkiness of a swampy mud. I reach and raise my hands to find a steady place to lift myself up, but instead I lose my balance and sink again. Is vulnerability worth it when it feels like you are failing? Do you resort to platitudes to keep the peace? I’ve intersected with people who are wholly uncomfortable about revealing any opinions which might threaten the majority and will cheerlead their way through life, without ever announcing their truth. Is this a kind of vulnerability I am missing? – the ability to know when to keep your mouth shut and when to scream through a megaphone. Vulnerability can’t be a catch-all. Like anything, you must quickly identify the people who will understand your brand of authenticity because you can’t go deep with everyone. When I lose sight of this, the pang of my failure hits me the most.
My ultimate dilemma is how to still live a vulnerable life thrust in the context of practicality. I’ve decided sometimes the price is too high to engage in confessional conversation – it is easier to smile, engage in small talk and accept the relationship will remain on a predictable terrain. At times this seems disingenuous, but I’ve learned it is mindful to recognize a place for vulnerability. Vulnerability only becomes a problem when you don’t cultivate it in the right setting and with people who are receptive to it. I cannot expect someone to reciprocate my vulnerability – it must be a practice without expectation.
I regularly refer to the work of Brene Brown to help me with the process of navigating vulnerability. This week I revisited her chapter The Vulnerability Armor in Daring Greatly which points to a checklist to use when we share our words in a smaller intimate setting or in a larger context:
- Why I am sharing this?
- What outcome am I hoping for?
- What emotions am I experiencing?
- Do my intentions align with my values?
- Is there an outcome, response, or lack of response that will hurt my feelings?
- Is this sharing in the service of connection?
- Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?
I found reading this rubric helpful to help with future conversations, outbursts and complicated emotional discussions. Vulnerability is a problem only if you let it become one. My vulnerability is a precious commodity. It is time I treat it as such.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
You’ve given me some stuff to think about with this one, Rudri.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject, Kristen. I am certain your insights would offer a helpful perspective. xo
So much of this resonated with me, Rudri. There are certainly some drawbacks to embracing vulnerability, along with a high learning curve about who to trust, etc., but ultimately I’d rather swim in the deep end sometimes than skip along on dry sand, There’s a lot of treasures to be found down at the bottom.
Christine,
Ultimately I also believe the treasures are worth it. . . some days, though, I tire of the process in getting there, although I know it is necessary. Thanks for adding your voice of comfort.
Oh that last sentence is so beautiful. Sometimes it’s so vulnerable just to talk about vulnerability – and it’s power, grace and even scariness.
Thanks, Tamara. All of the emotions you describe are necessary to navigate the terrain of vulnerability. And it isn’t easy, but as you said, we can find its power and grace if we pay attention.
“…it is mindful to recognize a place for vulnerability. Vulnerability only becomes a problem when you don’t cultivate it in the right setting and with people who are receptive to it. I cannot expect someone to reciprocate my vulnerability – it must be a practice without expectation.”
This right here. You said it so perfectly. I have been thinking about this a lot with my friendships. I like to think that I’ve gotten a bit better at recognizing when it is “safe” to be vulnerable about my thoughts, feelings and life choices, and when the relationship has to stick to talking about the weather and more mundane things. I have a few of those later kind of relationships, though, and it’s a challenge to let them be what they are and not push them into territory where the other person (or both of us) are uncomfortable.
I keep meaning to put Ms. Brown on my library holds list, because I have questions about vulnerability – like – isn’t the fear, evaluating whether it’s “safe” or not – against what she’s calling for? I don’t know… I must read about it, I guess.
Dakota,
I agree it takes some time to decide which relationships are safe for vulnerability and sometimes it might require some trial and error of learning who those people are in your life. I’ve learned this the hard way sometimes.
I highly recommend listening to the podcast between Tim Ferriss and Brene Brown for insights into vulnerability. The link is below:
http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/tim-ferriss-show/the-tim-ferriss-show/e/bren-brown-on-vulnerability-and-home-run-ted-talks-40298967
I allow myself to be vulnerable and it stings at times but I have been protective of my personal time and whom I choose to be vulnerable with. You can definitely see it on my face because I can’t pretend – what you see is what you get. You are beautiful and I understand how you feel. Xox
The poker face is hard for me as well and sometimes puts me in sticky situations – however, I am grateful that these experiences provides a way for me to learn about myself and others.