To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. – Mary Oliver
Even though she is only six years old, she walks the diving board like a teenager with no fear. Her feet are not sticking like velcro on the peeling white paint, but are jumping up and down ready to take a dive. I am standing, arms sweating, the weight of my flip-flops feel as if I am suddenly wearing winter boots. There are butterflies in my stomach, almost the same ones that I’ve felt every time I’ve taken some standardized test which would determine the “fate” of my future. I’ve already yelled in my best mom-megaphone-voice , “No. Don’t jump.” She doesn’t listen to me. She tells me, “I am going to jump Momma. I am not scared.”
“But you haven’t learned to swim in deep water.” In my mind, I sense she is capable. The apprehension is something I’ve created for myself, not wanting to let go. She is already in mid-jump and now my loud words feel like a whispers in a concert filled crowd.
Various images gather together in my mind. I am not ready. But she is confident about her walk and the pause before the jump only lasts less than one second. Even before I notice her plunge into blue, I hear her confident splash in the water. She swims with purpose to the ledge and announces, “See Momma, I told you I could jump. I can swim too. You were the one who was scared.”
Often times, that is the truth. As much as I want to sometimes, I am a failure at letting go. Underlying my marriage of holding on is my inability to let go of what was, in order to embrace what is. Her first foray into diving unearthed several realizations. Her free will takes precedence over my fear of letting go. Loving her means eventually, yes, I will have to let go. And I know there will be succession of letting go – Saying good-bye to her on the first day of new grade, her first overnight trip, her first solo spin around the block in her car or on her wedding day.
We live in a continual cycle of loving and letting go. And that, as Mary Oliver so eloquently suggests, are the instructions for living a life. Loving to the core and then realizing you must let go.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Nice piece. Reminds me of the song “I Loved Her First” by Heartland.
Tony,
What an unexpected good surprise to see you here. I must check out this song. Hope you and CC and the kids are doing well. Take care.
Isn’t that always the case? LOL. The person is more than capable and yet here I am nervous, shooting off instructions, worrying my lower lip with my teeth.
Nikole,
It is always terrifying to be the one who has to watch. Sometimes I feel like a permanent back seat driver in my daughter’s life. As always, good to see you in my space.
Beautiful Ru. And I can’t believe how big Nandini is getting!
Cadence loves to dive too! In fact, at age 8, she will be ready for diving lessons where we take lessons!
Wow! I can’t believe Cadence is taking diving lessons. And she will be 8 in a few months.
I still remember holding her as a baby.
It’s not easy to let go. But we all eventually let go… Just be strong!
Jamie,
I often coach myself to be strong, but often fail at heeding my own advice. Letting go is so difficult that it often brings me to tears. Thanks for your words of encouragement.
It’s more than letting go. It’s the knowledge we have of their confidence versus our broader perspective – in other words, the “what if something goes wrong.”
Yet we have to let them fly, don’t we, making those judgment calls that mediate between their enthusiasm and our mature perspective.
(And I love the Oliver quote!)
It is definitely a balancing act. I am constantly trying to see-saw between reigning her in and letting her move forward. And yes, Wolf, it is the fear of something going wrong that often holds me back.
This is so true: “We live in a continual cycle of loving and letting go.” Well put, Rudri.
Thanks Luanne. Always a pleasure to see you in my space. xoxo
What a sweet post. Letting go is a tough thing to do because we wrestle with so much fear.
I agree. I know the uncertainty of what we don’t know often stops me from wanting to take steps forward. Somehow children aren’t bothered by that. That’s what I learn everyday from my daughter.
Thanks for your words.
Wow, that quote is so profound. And the story you share resonates with all moms, no matter what age the child is. I really struggle with letting go, too. I can barely think about things like the future wedding day–I fall apart.
Stopping by from SITS!
Mary Oliver is a wonderful and profound poet. Check out some of her work if you ever have a chance. You won’t regret.
Falling apart. Something I understand especially when I think how much time has passed and how much my daughter has grown.
Thanks for adding your thoughts.
Wow. Loved and felt your post. We can learn so much from our children. I’ve been there with the fear moments and they still pop up even though all three of my daughters are grown women. I also have never been to your site but I love the colors and the drop shadowing on the sides.
Sheila,
Thanks so much for your kind words regarding my post and my web design.
I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to learn from my daughter. From the philosophical to the mundane, she is imparting lessons without realizing it.
I am glad my words resonated with you. Thanks so much.
I am e from sharefest. What a beautiful post. I can asolutely relate 🙂 Letting go ad moving on to the next “level” is hard for me as well. ~ Bea
Bea, know that you aren’t alone. I think we all struggle to move forward. Thanks for visiting and commenting.
A continual cycle of loving and letting go…
Children live in a state of innocence and wonder. They want to learn and explore; to try new things. We mothers live in a constant state of protecting our young, as we introduce them to the world. We let go a little at a time. It isn’t always easy. We grow with them.
Robin,
As my daughter grows, I am learning from her. She knows how to embrace the present fully and her wonder often captivates me to the point of tears. It’s an amazing gift to witness. As always thanks for your thoughtful insight.
Wonderful post and it brought tears to my eyes. So many times in life it’s ME who is scared and the kids NEVER are. It’s so hard to let them grow.
(Found you on SITS) 🙂
I understand exactly what you are saying Courtney. Often times, I’m the one who is hesitating, while my daughter has no reservations about moving forward. It seems like as adults we are either stuck in the past or afraid to move forward. Hoping my daughter teaches me more about being present. I am glad my words resonated with you.
Beautiful blog. I find it amazing what our children teach us about ourselves and life. Thanks for sharing.
Dropping in from SITS
Miranda,
Thanks. Everyday I find myself watching and witnessing my daughter’s reactions, her words, and her actions. And everyday, I learn something about life. Children are amazing at teaching lessons. I am glad my words resonated with you.
Children do teach us so much, yes?
Stopping by from SITS Sharefest.
Alison,
Yes. Everyday there are lessons from our children.
Thanks for reading and commenting.