Stop. I begged myself to stop, but the tears formed in the corners. I tried to lift my head up, with the hope that I could prevent the river from flowing down my cheeks. Stop. But I didn’t.
Strong. Be strong. These are the words I repeated over and over, as I witnessed the marriage of my sister and her now husband. As her feet turned the corner after the fourth vow, I felt a foray into a beginning and a proclamation of an ending. Different images popped up in my head: I remember sitting in the bleachers, cheering on my lanky teenage sister hurdling through a track meet. I remember her sneaking my Debbie Gibson vests into my closet so I wouldn’t “know” she wore them during the day. I remember eating Collin Street Bakery fruit cake with my sister, Mom and Dad during Christmas while Hindi songs blasted from the radio. So much of my sister reminds me of what was our childhood. Of course, most of those memories have my father in them too.
His absence was felt. There was one point when I noticed it the most. My mom and I were sitting during the garba (Indian form of dance commemorating the cycle of life, death, and rebirth). We watched as my sister’s husband took pictures with his Mom and Dad. I realized my sister wouldn’t have that moment. My father wouldn’t be standing next to her in any picture or accompanying my Mom to give away their younger daughter. There wouldn’t be a father-daughter dance or a speech from him.
Instead my sister mentioned my father in her speech and how much she loved and wished he could be part of her day. It is at that point, where my tears mixed with the black mascara and foundation on my face. What she said was true. My mom, my sister and I wished he was there. We all knew why. He spent the last few years worried that he wouldn’t be able to watch my sister settle down, get married and start her life. In the last few weeks of his life, he asked me to always take care of my sister and make sure that when she did get married that I made certain she was happy.
I let the tears plummet down my cheeks. As my sister mentioned my father’s name, I wanted him to see her. To see how happy she was and how when she looked at her husband, the whole room breathed with a sense of joy. As she danced and moved her arms and twirled around the room, I hoped he could feel her happiness.
She’s beginning her life, Dad. And your final wish. It’s granted. Your little girl, my kid sister, is all grown up. And married. And happy.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Your words. What a gift. Your words paint images. Evoke emotions. Invite me to sit beside you and experience your life for a paragraph or two. And I do. And I am thankful for someone who uses their gift of language and of heart to express the little daily thing that make up this thing we call life.
Thank you.
Laureen,
Thanks so much for your generous compliment on my words. I am grateful you could experience a little glimpse of the wedding through me.
Beautiful! Everything about this photo is stunning, colors, expression, etc… She looks very happy. He would be proud of each of you.
Thanks Suzicate. I suspect he was smiling (I hope) and laughing with us. I could definitely feel his presence in different moment throughout the ceremony.
I’m sure it was a bittersweet moment. Congrats to your sister and the life ahead of her.
Thanks Kitch. Always a pleaure to see you in my space. xoxo
Beautiful post Ru. Your dad would be so proud of you and how you took his words so carefully to heart. Radhi is beautiful and so are YOU!!!! Love you my dear.
Lex: Thanks so much. Love you back. And it means alot to me that you are here and sharing your thoughtful words. xoxo
A wonderful photograph of happiness. Sad that your dad did not get to share this with all of you. I believe he is watching and he knows that you kept your promise and your sister’s journey to happiness begun. Congratulations to all of you. xoxo
Thanks Ayala for your kind words. It was definitely bittersweet, but somehow I know we all felt the presence of my father. And that gave me some comfort.
What a sweet, heartfelt blog post! Congratulations to your sister. I’m sure she was so very thankful to have you, her big sister, there with her on her special day.
Welcome to my space Jennifer! Thanks so much for your well wishes. Hope you enjoyed reading a little glimpse of my life.
You have touched my heart once again, and I join in your tears. As TKW said, a bittersweet moment. That is such a beautiful picture! Congratulations to your family 🙂
Robin, it was a very bittersweet moment. But I’ve learned that the pendulum of sadness and happiness is in constant swing. It’s in that swing that we measure the moments of our life. Thanks so much for your hearty congratulations.
So very beautiful…
Thank You Wolf. xoxo
Your sister is a stunningly beautiful bride. I love the picture!! So much joy in her face. I’m sure it was bittersweet for your family with your fathers absence. I hope that there are so many more sweet memories than bitter ones in her future. Your father would be so proud of you both.
Kathy: Thanks for the well wishes. I also hope that her life is filled with happy moments. We try to fill his absence as best as we can by sharing memories and quirks about him. I always remind myself of the Dr. Seuss quote, “Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” xoxo
What a gift to have been able to feel this array of emotions, to witness such joy, to share a wonderful celebration of love and life!
It is a gift to be able to experience. Thanks for this much needed reminder Belinda.
Such a beautiful expression of a special time for your family. Reading your words created water in my eyes.
Thanks Jo Ann for your heartfelt comment. I am so grateful that my words resonated with you.
What a beautiful tribute. There is so much tenderness and joy in this post, along with some sadness. It’s lovely.
Thanks for sharing. Stopping by from SITS.
Thanks missrobin for reading. It was a mix of emotions that I am not certain I am able to completely embrace. I appreciate your generous compliment.
Your story perfectly captures the mix of powerful emotions at your sister’s wedding, Rudri. You’ve brought me right into the experience. I love the photo-in-motion, too.
Thanks Luanne. I am glad you sensed the emotions. It was a cathartic to express what I was feeling during the wedding. That picture of my sister is one of my favorites.
Wow Rudri, what an emotional experience to share. I’m hopping over from SITS sharefest – and I’m so glad I did. What a proud and tender moment to see your little sis get married and feel the completion of your Father’s wish. How wonderfully you conveyed this special day to us. Best wishes to the happy couple!
Welcome Emily. I am glad my words resonated with you. Thanks for your well wishes. Yes, somewhere, my father is enjoying the fulfillment of one of his final wishes.
wow! that was beautifully written! and if i’m to be honest, tears started running down my cheek when i read your post… i lost my dad more than three years ago and although i someday want to get married i dread thinking about not having him there….
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that even with the passage of time, I still feel the absence of my father in many moments, especially those that I knew he would treasure. It’s a sadness that one doesn’t forget. But I believe we all are given the capacity to move through it. One day at a time.
Welcome to my space. And I am grateful that my words touched you.
The picture is worth a thousand words…and your words add even more. I am so happy for her and for you. You got through it and she looks wonderfully happy. I know your Dad would be so proud of both of you. He did a wonderful job!!
Thx Ker. I hope my Dad was looking down and smiling wide watching his little girl walk down the aisle. xoxo
Congratulations to your sister! What a gorgeous picture. I’m sure your Dad was there in spirit.