The girl at the counter isn’t shy about her feelings. Her low-cut blouse reveals a tattoo that says, “Love is here.” My daughter grasps my hand and looks at all the earrings behind the glass case. “Momma, I want the purple butterflies. They will look pretty in my ear.” I try to persuade her to look at the other earrings in the counter, while the girl-who-wears-her-feelings on the sleeve reminds me only gold studs can go in her ear. I nod my head in agreement.
My daughter interrupts my thoughts and her persistence can’t be ignored. “Momma, I want to wear these new earrings in my ear. The purple butterflies. I can’t get them right?” Her eyes wide and her whole world hinges on my next few words. “Yes, you can get new earring. But remember you have to take the old earrings off.” It’s her second pair of new earrings since her ears were pierced almost three months ago. In my head, I am thinking, 10 more minutes, earrings will be changed out, bill paid and will be headed back home.
“Will it hurt to take the old earrings out?” She asks me this with purpose. “Of course not, honey. It may pinch just a little bit, but it will be over before you know it.” I respond with one eye on the clock of my iPhone. She is seated in the chair and I try to spin the back of the earring. After a few turns, I realize the earring is still in the same place.
“That won’t help. It’s a lock-back. You have to pry the back off the earring.” The tattooed girl is paying closer attention to what I am doing. “I can help.” At this point, I believe this is a good idea because she is the earring professional.
“Climb on this chair honey. Hold the brown bear. We’ll put the purple butterflies in your ear in no time.” She slips on the latex gloves, pulls up her pants, and attempts to move toward my daughter’s ear.
“Umm. No. I don’t want to do this. It’s going to hurt. Momma, I don’t want to do this.” In an instant, new earrings become a danger zone. Tears are streaming down my daughter’s face and she literally will not the girl touch her ear. Every time we try to convince her that it won’t hurt, she screams louder.
We are in the middle of the mall at a kiosk. Every wail from my daughter echoes and vibrates. At this point, I can feel several eyes on me. And I hear the litany of judgments being expressed. Bad mother. After 15 minutes, we are at an impasse. My daughter has no slobbered all of her tears on the brown bear and we are no closer to putting the butterfly earrings in her ear.
I am trying to make decision on what to do. As I try to calm my daughter down, the girl says, “In my years of doing this, I’ve never had any person react this way.” Her co-worker, who has been silent the whole time, chimes in too. “Ya, totally. This is what happens when kids are coddled too much.”
I am trying so hard to keep my composure. My daughter is still crying, with one old earring in and the other one out. While the purple butterfly lies on the counter. I’ve made up my mind that we aren’t going to get anywhere. She is spooked and I am tired. Before I have a chance to make this announcement, the girl says, “We have others. We’re going to have to ask you to leave. And by the way, if you can’t get back the old earring in her ear, the hole will close up and you will have to re-pierce her ears.”
I grab my belongings and ask my daughter to give them the bear back. I am upset at her and myself. And all of a sudden in that moment, I feel so exposed. I question my own actions about whether I am doing a good job as a mother. And if I am, why is a routine earring change causing so much angst? Am I coddling her too much? Am I doing too much? Am I doing enough?
As we head to the car, my daughter has calmed down. I manage to slip the old earring back into her ear. She grabs my hand and then gives me a hug. I realize that maybe I am enough and not enough. But I hope she always remembers the love.
The love is here. With her momma.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
That woman was ridiculous! I remember bawling the first time my earrings were changed out– it HURT!
Popped in from SITS to say hi!
We forever question ourselves, but it’s ok because they love is there.
New experiences can be frightening to children. And that can be distressing for mom. Our feelings get all tied up in our child’s feelings, creating a bit of confusion (if only temporarily).
How can one not feel exposed in a kiosk? What I have to wonder is whether the ‘earring expert’ was frightening your daughter? And her co-worker, the ‘child psychologist’? What do they know about parenting? Coddling? Geesh!
It’s ok to question ourselves about our parenting, even a good thing. It’s part of loving them.
Interesting to me that these kids were so quick to judge, these kids who probably take great offense to being judged themselves. In those moments I like to smile to myself and think what it was like to know so little about the world but be so sure you have all of the right answers.
You are a good momma and it’s silly that these girls are judging your parenting. I am sorry that you had such a bad experience. Sad ….Your daughter will remember the love and support that you always give her. xo
Ah, the good old days when we knew everything there was to know about parenting. You know, those days before we had the slightest experience actually doing it? You should feel good that your daughter is able to express her fears and doubts to you and not feel pressured to do something she is not comfortable with because a couple of strangers think she should, particularly something as insignificant as wearing a pair of earrings. And that you are raising her to know that you never say something purposefully hurtful to someone; a skill those unfortunate girls’ mothers lacked.
You are totally enough…and those girls need to be reported!!!! Puh-leez no little girl has ever cried like that? And they asked you to leave?
It IS a scary thing getting your ears pierced, especially when you are little. I cried too. I wonder if those women had children. It’s hard to understand when you don’t have kids–of course you think you know it all! I’m sorry they made you doubt yourself as a mother. It’s a lot harder than it looks and you never realize that until you become a parent.
My girls got the lock-back earrings and we had the worst time getting them off. And yes, they cried and howled. So tell tattoo girl to stuff it. How dare people even say stuff like this?
Those comments would’ve cut right through me as well, Rudri. But the tattoo girl at the kiosk and her side kick? Their comments were just plain rude. And bitchy. Would it be too much to ask that everyone extend each other compassion and sympathy instead of pith and bitch?
I love your close here–I am not enough and I am enough. Exactly. xoxo
I agree that the woman was being ridiculous. I had my ears pierced at 16, and it was no picnic dealing with the transition from the first little earrings to something else!
As for you and your daughter’s relationship, I would say that your “enough” is more than enough – in the best possible way. Especially the love and, I hope, you – trusting your gut.