July 9th marked my daughter’s half-birthday. She is officially five and a half years old. In another month she will start kindergarten. And in my core I hear my insides churning, saying “slow down.”
In the last few month as I interact with her, a wave of love overcomes me. But in the very same instant my heart is filled with sadness. I sense time becoming its own character in our lives. As we walked yesterday in the store, she grabbed for my hand and said, “Momma, I want to hold your hand.” I asked her, without thinking about her response, “Will you always hold my hand?” She smiled at me, wide, with five teeth missing, and said, “Momma, I will hold your hand forever.” The familiar refrain plays in my head again, saying in a clear voice, “slow down.”
Almost ten to fifteen times a day, she will say to me, “Momma, I love you.” It doesn’t matter where we are. In the middle of my bedroom, a crowded line at the grocery store, or in her sleep, she repeats those words like a personal mantra. I wonder when she will lose the ability to say I love you with freedom and innocence.
She runs with the same abandon. Frequently she will say to me “Watch this Momma,” and run fast down the hallway and expect me to scoop her up and twirl her around. This past week my arms felt a little tired, the weight of her growing four feet body is not as easy to catch. As soon as I place her back down on the ground, I say to myself, “slow down.”
Everyday we are moving toward her adulthood, the metronome of life swinging to its own rhythm. It is going too fast. And all I can do is, slow down, stop and appreciate where she is now, and not dread navigating what comes later.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Do you want time to slow down ? What will be the things that you will miss when your children are grown?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Rudri, she is beautiful. She will always be loving because it’s obvious that she is sweet and affectionate . As you know I have an older son and whenever we speak, even if it was five minutes ago he will always end the conversation by telling me that he loves me. Of course it’s not the same as it was when he was small but it’s good. With my little one I find myself hoping that time slows down and that he doesn’t grow up so fast. I tell him that when he goes to college, I will go with him. 🙂 sigh.
Ayala: I can’t imagine the ambivalent feelings you feel as you anticipate college for your younger son. My husband and I often talk about moving wherever my daughter ends up going to college. There so much time between that moment and now, but we both still anticipate it. So I completely understand why you would accompany your son on his college journey.
I definitely want time to slow down. I think it’s something about starting school for the first time that makes it seem as though it’s going way too fast.
Yes. Agreed. Since my daughter is starting Kindergarten soon, I am weary of letting her enter this next milestone. I know it is a beginning for her, but for me it feels something is ending.
Your daughter is beautiful; your wish to slow time is too! As you know, my children are grown.
“Slow down!” is still my mantra.
They hold hands with my heart from the distances in which they now live.
Sending you more with this comment—the more part being unseen. Can you feel it?
Mary,
My friend! I love the image of your children holding hands from a distance. Of course, I can feel your love and enthusiastic spirit. Hope to see you soon. xoxo
She is absolutely precious!
Thanks Suzicate! I think so too :).
She’s at such a glorious age, Rudri.
Yes, slow down and appreciate. I’m right in that space with you, even at a different stage in life, and in parenting.
BLW, I love that slowing down is on a continuum. There are moments we want to savor with our children no matter what their age. I love this reminder from you.