As I get older I know less. There are more questions that remain unanswered. Doubt appears in quiet and noisy moments. On certain days, I throw my hands in the air, asking, am I ever going to push past the process? People say over and over again, embrace the uncertainty and the journey and that it is the process that yields the greatest reward. I am a little tired being stuck between A and B.
And what do you do when that A to B process is consumed by whispers of doubt? Do you succumb to the whispers or keep going? How much of this examination takes away from the actual living of your life?
A few nights ago, I shared my self-imposed angst with a few friends. I told them, it had been eleven years this month since I graduated from law school. And that in the last five years, I’ve done very little with my law degree. It hurt hearing these words. My twenties I marched with resolve. There was a resounding need to accomplish, to push through, to strive for paper degrees saying, yes, you mean something. I enjoyed generating revenue as an attorney, the recognition that someone other than my loved ones valued a skill that I offered. Midway through my legal career, a grumbling of dissatisfaction hit me. Every night. Every morning. Perhaps this wasn’t what I wanted. And as much it hurt to be wrong, I walked away from a career I thought that I wanted in my bones.
Two life events propelled me to change course: becoming a mother and losing a parent. Giving birth and watching a loved one pass away inspires you to confront what is rolling in you all along. I decided if there was another calling for me, it was time to pursue it today, not ten years from now. So I’ve embarked on yet another process: writing. The ultimate of all processes. It’s a solitary career. There is doubt everyday. Whether the words will come. Whether the blank page will stop haunting you. Whether you are good enough to even fill it up with your words. Doubt.
As much as this uncertainty creeps in, I’ve realized that you must surrender to what you can’t control.
And because I know less. I also accept more.
How do you reconcile doubt in your life? Do you accept it? Do you listen to its whispers? Do you change course because of it?