As I get older I know less. There are more questions that remain unanswered. Doubt appears in quiet and noisy moments. On certain days, I throw my hands in the air, asking, am I ever going to push past the process? People say over and over again, embrace the uncertainty and the journey and that it is the process that yields the greatest reward. I am a little tired being stuck between A and B.
And what do you do when that A to B process is consumed by whispers of doubt? Do you succumb to the whispers or keep going? How much of this examination takes away from the actual living of your life?
A few nights ago, I shared my self-imposed angst with a few friends. I told them, it had been eleven years this month since I graduated from law school. And that in the last five years, I’ve done very little with my law degree. It hurt hearing these words. My twenties I marched with resolve. There was a resounding need to accomplish, to push through, to strive for paper degrees saying, yes, you mean something. I enjoyed generating revenue as an attorney, the recognition that someone other than my loved ones valued a skill that I offered. Midway through my legal career, a grumbling of dissatisfaction hit me. Every night. Every morning. Perhaps this wasn’t what I wanted. And as much it hurt to be wrong, I walked away from a career I thought that I wanted in my bones.
Two life events propelled me to change course: becoming a mother and losing a parent. Giving birth and watching a loved one pass away inspires you to confront what is rolling in you all along. I decided if there was another calling for me, it was time to pursue it today, not ten years from now. So I’ve embarked on yet another process: writing. The ultimate of all processes. It’s a solitary career. There is doubt everyday. Whether the words will come. Whether the blank page will stop haunting you. Whether you are good enough to even fill it up with your words. Doubt.
As much as this uncertainty creeps in, I’ve realized that you must surrender to what you can’t control.
And because I know less. I also accept more.
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How do you reconcile doubt in your life? Do you accept it? Do you listen to its whispers? Do you change course because of it?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
This is a hard one for me too Rudri. I’m at a crossroads myself and have to make real decisions soon, and it’s a little scary. But I guess that’s part of living right? Not knowing where it’ll take you but being open to it so you will end up where you should all along…
Like Justine, I’m facing change. Whether that change will come sooner or later, I still don’t know. But I do know that you really do need to trust the journey and the universe, and open yourself up to the idea that everything is available to you if only you watch for it.
Have you read The Right to Write. Your post made me think of it. If you haven’t, I highly recommend it.
Christine: Thanks for the reminder that I need to reread The Right To Write. I love how a reread of a book can still hold surprises and new epiphanies.
Justine: I like how you view change and the transitory moments. Maybe I put too much emphasis on the actual change, but it might be the place, like you said, where I should have been all along.
I really value seeing this post from you and seeing Justine’s comment above because they remind me that I am not alone on this journey from career woman to mother to would-be-writer. And that all of us are nervous about what’s ahead – and about the fact that we can see neither the destination nor the path to get there. And I find comfort in that shared questioning. So thank you for writing and for walking alongside me on this path. xo
Kristen,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I am inspired by your words and am grateful that we share this uncertain writing/motherhood journey together.
Oh yes, Rudri. Your words speak to me–because I, too, feel that same uncertainty, the same doubts. Who’s going to read my words? Who do I think I am to just add more minutiae to the very loud noise?
I enjoyed an advertising career for 10 years before I quit to be a stay-at-home mother. I’ve had this job (wonderful, trying, mundane, exhilarating, hard, etc) for nearly 8 years now. I never, ever thought I’d want to do anything but this–be with my kids. And then, this strong urge to do something else began to rustles inside. It shocked me.
WOW does your last sentence, “And because I know less. I also know more.”, resonate with me. Great post and thank you for sharing your questioning.
Thanks Denise. I often wonder how my twenties prepared me for this very different journey in my thirties. There are indeed many surprises. But in an odd way I am looking forward to learning what this adventure will bring me.
Rudri,
As much as you doubt it is a natural process. I think that they way to always be on the right path is to have a passion for what you are doing. If you love it and you are true to yourself the rest will come. Sometimes we have hard choices and we are uncertain, but you will be fine.
xo
Believe!
Thanks for the encouragement. I am a firm believer that if you love what you do then the rest will follow. I appreciate the gentle reminder.
Life is uncertain. I often succumb to self doubt. Then I brush myself off and take another step. I accept that life will take me where I need to be whether it is writing or some other path.
I think acceptance is the hardest part for me. As I move forward, I want to embrace the place I am in instead of thinking of where I should or shouldn’t be.
I bet if you look at your soon-to-be-Kindergartner’s sweet little face, all your doubts will be erased!
I do appreciate her smile and my relationship with her. But self doubt creeps in when I think of my own identity outside of motherhood.
I feel like I have done so little in my life career-wise. It takes an entire village of friends and family to assure me that I have accomplished a lot. That I am capable of doing things that might be off the beaten path. And still, I have doubt. Lots of doubt.
All I can say is that if you enjoy what you are doing don’t dwell on the rest. An education is never useless and your law degree will be useful no matter what you end up doing.
Ameena,
Thanks for this thoughtful response. It is very difficult, but I am comforted in knowing (by your comments and others) that we all share this journey of doubt. There is always uncertainty in any path. I just need to do a better job of not letting this doubt shake my core.
As difficult as it is for me, I try to only listen to the whispers of doubt and not let it control me. I am very conservative at heart and putting myself at “risk” is often wrought with angst and doubt. There are times when you need to understand that the doubt is only a whisper and only you know what’s best. It is hard to walk away from the known into the unknown. I recently did the same but you have to follow your heart.
Cathy: I agree. I believe it can be about perspective. Perhaps these are whispers of my heart and not of doubt. Thanks for stopping by.
Whatever I do, it is enough. I struggle with that thought daily …perhpas, because I’m a first born, oldest cousin of two oldest parents, over-achiever, innate perfectionist, intuitive and extrovert. So many contradictions exist in my persona, but it is me! So I embrace who I am and bask in my faith in God, allow myself to acknowledge my accomplishments, and know I try to live every day as if it was my last. Good thing I married a Gemini!
Trish
We are all fraught with contradictions. It’s trying to find a balance between the tug and pull of conflicting emotions/interests that feed into my doubt sometime.
I have always had more doubt than certainty in life and I used to let it torment me more than a healthy amount. But certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, I’m realizing. And I’m becoming more and more comfortable with Rilke’s sentiment of livign the questions.
Belinda, I love that quote by Rilke. And perhaps, like you, one day, I will get comfortable with doing the living of those questions.