She says the exact same words every time. “Momma, I’m going to do some magic.” She utters these words, before steppping into the bedroom and looking at herself in the mirror. And it is something she does at least a few times a day. My five year old girl loves to fix her hair and check her face. Is this normal? I don’t remember the mirror being a part of my childhood.
And I must confess I am a little concerned that she is so worried about her appearance at such a young age. In quiet moments, I ask, “Where is she learning this behavior?” It isn’t from me. I am a pony-tail, jeans and a t-shirt type of gal. The most makeup I wear on any given day is a dash of powder and some lipstick. And I even apply those things without her watching me.
There are also other things she’s said that have me wondering where this beauty obsession is born. In the last few months, she’s said, “Momma, blue eyes and blond hair are more pretty than my hair or eyes” or “How come I don’t have light skin? It is better.” These statements really baffle me because, at least I thought, my husband and I do a decent job of emphasizing that differences are something that are a part of life and that should be embraced. And that skin color isn’t the deciding factor of everything. It is important to be smart, kind, loving, caring, and responsible. That you should do all those things, no matter what you look like.
Perhaps I’m placing too much emphasis on what she is saying and doing. She is five years old. She doesn’t know everything. It’s a phase, I tell myself. She will grow out of it. She will learn to appreciate what she has, instead of pining for what she believes is “beautiful.” I am banking on that because the alternative scares me. I certainly don’t want to raise a young girl who is consumed by her looks. I’ve always believed beauty is something that is so fleeting, transient, and transparent. I want her to learn that lesson early.
But I am at a loss. I thought I was already teaching her that lesson. These glimpses into her mind, ultimately, is a comment on how we strive to parent the best way we know how, but even then, there are no guarantees. And there is that possibility that we may fail to instill the values that as parents we covet. Because although our children are a product of us, they are individuals. They determine what matters to them, no matter what their parents may want them to think. Or maybe I am obsessing too much. That my husband and I are instilling values in her and she will remember those lessons as she grows older. Right now she is just too young too appreciate those lessons. There is also that chance that maybe as parents we are doing the right kind of a magic.
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As parents do you have these battles? Does your little one obssess about his or her looks? Any advice? How do you instill values that are important to you in your children?
Image by Amy Jeffries
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Unfortunately, society at large (tv, news, other people) tear apart many of those lesson we try to teach our children. All we can do is continue to instill our values on them and hope that if they turn away some day they will remember and come back to them.
I hope it works Suzicate. The instilling part seems so abstract. I just want some guarantees that she will remember the lessons that we are trying to teach her.
It’s the Barbie phenomenon. Barbie is blond with blue eyes, and girls love Barbie, and as much as we try to compensate for it–keep them assured that they are beautiful in any form–the brainwashing seeps in at some level.
Even in cartoons, the pretty girl is usually blond. It’s sad.
You are doing right by your girl. You love her, assure her that she has a good brain and a tender heart, and that’s what matters.
Believe me, I wring my hands over this constantly.
KW, there is direct and indirect brainwashing. I try to keep a vigilant eye on it, but I can’t prevent it all the time. The images are everywhere. I don’t try to participate in it. For now, we aren’t purchasing Barbies, etc. I just don’t want to perpetuate her current beliefs about beauty.
This is so hard – on girls especially, though boys aren’t exempt. Media bombards us with too narrow a prescription of “beauty,” and that’s reinforced by what surrounds you, depending upon what part of the country you’re in, what the complexion (literally) of your school system looks like, and so on.
I don’t think you’re worrying too soon; on the other hand, you have many years ahead to give her perspective and encourage her sense of beauty in herself.
But it isn’t easy. Even if she were blonde and blue-eyed, she might still be worrying constantly about her external self.
I am certainly trying to find the balance BLW. I am comforted that you don’t think I’m worrying too soon. I wonder how much of what we absorb as children effect our future perceptions of ourselves and others.
I’ve heard this is normal and that girls as young as kindergarten are worried about being fat and ugly. I pray every day that I only send positive messages to my girl about her body (as you’re doing) and that I’m able to counteract the negative messages society sends her.
If nothing else, know that you aren’t alone and that you are her strongest role model. Keep doing what you’re doing. Have you thought about introducing her to media literacy? I try to point out to my children where they’re being “sold” a false ideal, etc. It has helped with my son. We’ll see about my daughter.
I will definitely try your suggestion Kelly, although I don’t think she can appreciate the full meaning of media literacy at age 5. I think it will be a work in progress. You are right – I am her strongest role model and I need to continue enforcing positive messages to her. Let’s hope she is hearing some of them.
Oh Gosh, Rudri, I’d feel the same way. Hopefully it’s just a phase…but it’s probably a lot to do with the media and like TKW said about Barbies. I’m sure you’re doing everything right!!
It is the media, everything from magazines to television to marketing in the stores. I hope it is a phase too!
While agree with the comments on the sad influence of vapid so-called culture on young children, I would also add that truly hearing what our kids are saying and feeling (i.e. “sometimes you feel like you’re not as pretty because you don’t have blonde hair and blue eyes,” or “you’re wondering if lighter skin is better,” or “it’s confusing to not be sure if you are good enough”) is a powerful way to help them feel secure. Accurate understanding is central to love, not just assurances and warmth that we may think of as the heart of love. To feel loved we must feel known and truly seen, thus the mirror may be offering your girl a no-bullshit reflection. She’s still deciding what she thinks, so trusting that any fool would see her beauty if they looked invites her to look as long as she likes until she realizes that her opinion counts a lot. Maybe even the magic she is doing is like pretending she is superwoman—the magically most beautiful person ever. This is healthy narcissism (yes, there is such a thing), this is how good self-esteem and the ability to be a person amongst persons (and not the fairest of them all) is formed around three, four and five… it’s when so-called grown-ups are still trying to be the sexiest one in all the land that we have that other narcissism. (for more on that see “how is narcissism like footed pajamas: http://bit.ly/egyL6s). Here’s to wishing that all our kids know how lovely they are, inside and out.
Bruce: your comments are always an education and so insightful. I never thought about healthy narcissism in this way. I will certainly check out the article you referenced. I hope to help pave the way for her to honor her appearance and her mind.
There was a survey here very recently that showed a significant number of children as young as 8 (of both sexes) are placing body image at the top of their list of worries. When I and my contemporaries were 8, not only could most of us have not formulated a list of worries, body image would never have occurred to us. That significant change has to have come from popular culture.
When our little cherubs head off to school they are unfortunately open to the influences of other children, some of whom are not being taught the same core values that we hold. I think all you can do is to keep talking to her, just the way you are doing now. I can see why you might be worried by the mirror gazing but honestly, it’s not something that I think you should highlight as that might make it an issue in her mind.
(What a world we live in. Even bringing up children in the 80s to noughties seemed a doddle compared to now).
After reading the comments and doing my own reflection on the issue, I think I can relax a bit on my worrying. I need to enforce a positive body/mind image with her and realize that I can and will make an influence on her thinking. She is influenced by her classmates, but I believe I have the power to be a stronger enforcer of values that I want her to recognize.
I think the very conventional, even outdated standards of physical beauty collect a higher toll from girls than boys. It’s a phenomenon doled out by the relentless media that I wish more of us could band together to boycott.
The media pressure does register more with girls than boys. I wish there could be a boycott, but ultimately I think it is the parent’s responsibility to teach their children what should matter the most.