What did she think of me when she looked at me?
It was Friday night and my family decided to dine out for pizza at a local pizzeria in town. It’s a place where they know our order, the vibe always comfortable and casual. On this particular night, as we walked in, tables appeared scarce and the line was long. While husband waited in line, I snagged the second to last table, my daughter plunking down next to me.
As I conversed with her (ok, let me be realistic, it was a little later than the typical dinner hour and I was doing everything I could to prevent a full scale melt-down because she was really hungry), an older couple walked in through the door. A tall blonde, with large white faux pearl necklace and a lavender purple purse held the hand of a man whose hair was salt and pepper grey and his black cardigan a little tight around his midsection. Their giggles sprinkled the air and it appeared, at least in my purview, they were working out first or second date jitters. Her voice was loud and she noticed also that the pizzeria was crowded and tables were occupied.
There was one empty table on the right of where my daughter and I were sitting. A small table in the corner, where only my family could extend their arms. The couple both wanted to wait in line together. She decided to keep her lavender purse on the last table to stake a claim on the last spot and announced “I hope my wallet is here when we get back.” A nervous giggle continued as she walked and passed by my table, her message very clear.
I’m not certain of what she thought of me. I wasn’t dressed in a business suit and my Louboutin heels (for the record if you are wondering, I don’t own Louboutins). My hair was partially combed and smudges of mascara probably lingered in the corner of my eye. My eyes probably had dark under eye circles, tired from feeling sick with a cough and cold all week. I didn’t look my best. I realize that.
BUT.
She made a split second impression about me in one statement. From what she understood about me, I could be a potential thief. Her words, of course, hit me in the gut. I wanted to say, hey lady, I’m no thief. I wanted to say petty theft wasn’t in my resume and that for a period of time I prosecuted people who weren’t abiding by the law. She didn’t see or know that person. I wanted to say that I’m a person with a moral code and ethics, who wouldn’t steal to compromise my character. I wanted to say I am a mother who works hard to set a good example for my child. I wanted to tell her she was wrong.
But I didn’t. When she returned from the line, she went straight to her purse and after finding her wallet, in a surprised tone, she said, “Look, my wallet is still here. I guess I’m lucky.”
In my own inside voice, I said, “No, lady you weren’t lucky. You were never in any real danger from losing your wallet.”
First impression, oh how wrong you can be. This single incident will make me think again before I jump to the wrong conclusion, assumption, or judgment.
Because first impressions don’t always tell the absolute truth about the whole story.
______________________________________________________________________________
What do you think about first impressions? Have you ever made a wrong first impression? Has a first impression effected an importan decision in your life?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Hi Rudri, I find this psychologically interesting… the way that people give away their unwanted feelings; it seems that a random woman made you feel like you were judged, assumed to be untrustworthy, and dared to be “bad.” There she was on a possible first date (at a less than romantic restaurant), having to risk something of value (her hope for love?), and nervous that she would be emotionally ripped off—in other words, perhaps you, with your child, personified the road she had not taken (or been given opportunity to take), and her WISH that she would have something, anything, that you (or her date) might want and see to be of value (i.e. her wallet, or her love) stood as a defense against her potentially underlying feelings of meager worthlessness. After all, why not just leave the purse and hold the wallet, if she doesn’t feel trust? Or was she afraid that the man would go Dutch and thus her unavailable wallet would help make it a true date? In any event, I appreciate your share, as I can relate to being made to wonder if I am provoking others when people are snarky, and so I try to remember that if they felt good about themselves they would probably have a kinder vibe. Namaste either way
Rudri,
It sounds to me like this individual was being rude you encountered. I guess I am always aware of my purse in public and wouldn’t consider leaving it unattended, period. My mother-in-law had her purse stolen from a church in a very “respectable neighborhood” once, which was a surprise to our whole family. My parents always used adages to summarize parental admonitions – my mother would likely say, “Well, you just can’t tell a book by its cover.” Mom, I think you taught me lots of truths!
Thanks for the thought, Rudri!
Trish
This was a powerful read, Rudri. For several reasons.
Like you, I go out not looking my best when time and fatigue dictate that I just go out and take care of something. I’m in old clothes, look weary, and because I’m small – likely to be invisible. Invisibility is preferable to rude (and prejudicial?) first impressions. Then again, invisibility isn’t very pleasant either.
Yet I make a choice to go out in the way I do. A logical choice, born of rushing and priorities, but a choice all the same.
When I dress differently, I know I give a different impression. But dressing differently simply isn’t always an option, and respect toward others shouldn’t be optional. And (alas) no Louboutins in my closet either.
I find it odd that this woman would put her purse down at all. I wouldn’t. Anywhere. That the result of my urban roots, period. She must have trusted you on some level, or I can’t imagine she would’ve done that. And she also may just be a snarky woman by nature, which is off-putting and disagreeable under any circumstances.
I know you were tired and had your hands full with your daughter, but maybe you could consider taking the words in your head and passing them through your lips and toward the individual who could do with a little reality check. “That was unnecessarily rude” would do nicely.
I don’t think it’s easy to do those things. But it’s hard – in a different way – to say nothing. And is it tacitly teaching your daughter to take shit from rude and ignorant people?
Just my two cents. (Which you didn’t ask for.)
Was it your mussed hair or the color of your skin, do you suppose?
I was so hurt and angry on your behalf when I read this.
Maybe she said that so that you can keep an eye on her purse. it is a kind of indirect affirmation which a lot of people practise. in a way she was assuming that by saying it, you indirectly would be keeping an eye on her purse. just thoughts. don’t know about her body language.
Whether she was making the comments out of 1st, 2nd date jitters or not… sounds like a typical Scottsdale B-tch… there, I said it!! 😉
Rudri,
What surprised me is your restraint. Good for you, as I might have had a snap response when she came back to the table. Yes, she was rude but beyond that probably no response from you would have changed her shallowness. Yes, I have made judgements and hopefully kept them to myself. I think we do that based on previous experiences. However, so many times I have been so very wrong and so glad that I didn’t say my first thoughts outloud..lessons learned.
I’m sorry…but what a bitch!!! I can’t believe that happened to you. {{{{Rudri}}}
I may be the lone dissenting voice here but sometimes, things are not how they appear. Is it possible that she was making those remarks simply to say how packed the place was? I know that for me, when I’ve been made to feel uncomfortable by a look or an insinuation, I have in the past simply asked, “Is something the matter?” or maybe even a more direct, “Can I help you with something?” And everytime, the person would apologize, not realizing that she or he had made me feel uncomfortable. I’ve found that it’s best to ask (and I don’t see this as a confrontation) and find out for sure, instead of have a bad feeling fester within.
Having said that, I concur that there are a lot of people who habitually make bigoted remarks not realizing how much of their ignorance they are revealing.
Oh, the temptation of telling her that if she was afraid of lolsing her wallet she should keep it on her person! What an inconsiderate person! I think some people try to impress others (her date) and intimidate others (you at the time) by using rudeness as power. I really don’t think people like that get at all how they actually appear.
As strange as it sounds, I don’t think that she was judging you. Someone who speaks so rudely and in such an open manner must be doing that all the time! I am sorry that it happened to you, because it doesn’t feel good to have feelings hurt. I think it is great that you didn’t stick up for yourself, because she wasn’t worth it.
I find the comments as interesting as your article. When I first read your article, I thought that this little old lady was rude and bigoted and downright stupid for leaving her wallet and purse unattended when she felt it was potentially unsafe. Who does that? After reading the comments, it made me think even more about your comments on first impressions. Maybe she was insecure about her date, or maybe she was clueless about how you would interpret her comments. Who knows what really goes on in another person’s head. Either way, I still think she was stupid for leaving her wallet. By the way, I have no idea what Louboutins are. I’ll have to look it up. Hehe.
I’m with BLW – I would never, ever leave my purse unattended. And I’m also with Belinda. Maybe she was trying to casually suggest that you keep an eye out on it for her. And I don’t want to believe that there are people that could be like that intentionally.
Well, if they were on a first or second date, I can only imagine the impression she left on him.
(I’m so sorry you experienced that. As if trying to keep a meltdown from happening in a public setting isn’t stressful enough!)
LOL…what an absolute C.O.W. !!!