Yesterday afternoon, my daughter and I were having lunch at a nearby cafe. The whole place was bustling, people eager to grab a quick sandwich or salad and soup. It was unusually cold in the desert so most of the patrons chose to dine inside. I grabbed a table for two and as we waited for our lunch, my ears gravitated toward the table next to me.
Two men and three women were huddled close together eating their salads and drinking iced tea. It wasn’t my intent to eavesdrop, but my eyes and ears kept shifting toward the loud voice of one of the men sitting at the table. He kept talking and from the animated expression on his face he wanted to convey his story. I caught one of the women trying to have a dialogue with him, but as soon as she raised her voice to interject her words, he overpowered the conversation. For the next twenty minutes, it appeared this man thought he was in play, delivering his Oscar winning, one act soliloquy performance. The others at the table had such blank stares, their eyes kept shifting to their food and in-between, I would hear polite laughter, the awkwardness of the sounds bounced among all of them.
I felt particularly embarassed for him and sad for the others who had to endure his conversation with himself. Witnessing this one sided conversation led me to question my own listening skills. How much do we listen to others? How much do we listen to ourselves? I think we all would like to believe we are good listeners, but I wonder really how many of us really “listen” in the truest sense. I know that I’m not particularly good at listening to myself because I’ve realized I am like the man at the cafe. I am always moving, multi-tasking, crossing out my to-do lists and running all those errands that absolutely “need” to get done. When I am not doing those things, I’m plugged into some electronic device, either my computer, phone or ipod. I suspect I am scared of listening to the silence in my own head.
As I ate my lunch, I heard the familiar ding-ding of my own phone and my hands moved to open my purse. Someone was texting and of course, it was “crucial” that I respond at that very minute. As my fingers pressed the letters on the screen, I heard my own flaws. My daughter was clamoring for my attention, her words seem to echo a thousand times even though she only said Momma twice. The next sentence out of her mouth was,”Are you listening Momma?”
I looked at her and then looked over at the man at the next table and realized that I wasn’t any less guilty than him.
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How much do you really listen? Do you text or talk on the phone while in company of family or friends? Do you constantly busy yourself with activities as an excuse not to listen?
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Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I’m not a very good listener, at all. Like you I can be distracted (and I’m very guilty of listening to other conversations around me). I recently took a workshop on listening, and it was very eye opening. Since then I’ve tried to slow down and pay closer attention. I find that when I do, life slows down with it.
I try to listen, but I end up tuning a lot of it out, because my kids chatter constantly. I mean, constantly! It make me a little barmy.
Those light bulb moments. We all have them. I’ve learned to not answer my cell or texts when talking with anyone else in person – unless it’s truly important (my kids). I remember the days when we weren’t always so accessible (it wasn’t that long ago). There were advantages to that.
Like listening, and focusing, with those right across from us.
Important reminder, Rudri. Thank you.
Busted!! I admit it. I ask people to repeat themselves pretty darn often, which means I wasn’t listening to them in the first place. My mind tends to wander off. Thanks for the reminder to live in the present 🙂
I am not nearly as good of a listener as I’d like to be. I’ve always thought I could hear between the lines by understanding tone and body language, but at times I am not attentive. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear.
I consider myself a really good listener…but when I’m with girlfriends I’m so excited to have a grown-up to talk to, I have to remind myself to listen!!!
I think I am very much like Elastamom. I can listen marvelously to my husband, except for when I am too excited to stop my own thoughts from tuning out his words. I believe that becoming a “good listener” is a process that comes with maturity. I don’t believe one can be perfect at this because we are constantly changing. But we can practice and I think you are doing that by writing this out and really listening to your experiences.
One thing about hospice nursing is you learn to listen, it is more important than any medicine.
The patients are feeling vulnerable and want to be heard as individuals with specific needs.
When my work day is hectic I have to remind myself to slow down and listen, and not surprisingly the day goes better, the patients are comforted as well as family members. In our world we need to be better listeners. What a great blog. And maybe that man had a big need to be listened to.
This is a lifetime lesson for me. I am inconsistent with listening to others, though I generally do well listening to myself.
As a psychologist I fear that I am better at this at work than outside work, but I appreciate your post, partly because I had almost the same experience having lunch with my younger son yesterday (it wasn’t just one person talking, but it was a group that was severely insulting and devaluing other people who they had known in the past, who were just not cool enough for these now-too-cool-for-school hipsters). It made me sad for the whole social anxiety thing, and how we tend to stir each other up about feeling wrong, not good enough, excluded. So thanks for the reminder to listen more, but especially to my kids, and not the random unhappy people at the next table.
Guilty as charged! I find I listen better when the words are rare, such as a face-to-face talk with someone I don’t often get to see or a conversation with someone who’s usually quiet. I am surrounded by overtalkers who I swear just like the sound of their voices (me included), so sometimes I tune out to save my sanity.
I must confess that I love to eavesdrop on conversations around me, but this post makes me realize how often that distracts me from listening to or paying attention to the person I am actually spending time with. Thanks for the gentile reminder to tune out what doesn’t matter and focus on what and who does.