I remember the pacifier days. One would be firmly in your mouth, while the other two you twirled around in your fingers like batons. They provided you with powerful comfort, while I became part of the background. For the first nine months, I parented like a race car driver. As much as I wished I was present, I wasn’t. I was always rushing. Rushing to change diapers, clean bottles and draft motions for legal cases that were falling on me like a set of dominos.
In those first nine months, my grip on my identity was slipping, while I attempted to embrace my role as mother. Those days were a little awkward, my arms not knowing what to hug. Because of this confusion, my reach extended to beyond what I was capable. I sensed that when I holed myself in the bathroom, looking at the still water in the toilet, while you wailed in your crib. The bathroom became a makeshift office, so that I could make calls to clients without them hearing the fervor of your crying voice.
And then one of my oldest best friends sent me an email that flipped the metaphorical switch in my head. She said, “You can’t put parenting on the back burner. Make a choice, Rudri. Make a choice.”
I made a choice to limit my reach almost five years ago. But what I am hugging now isn’t rushed. I am present. I want you to know that my little girl.
When you wake up in the morning, I love the sound of your feet. The rhythm of your steps coaxes my own heart to beat. As soon as you say, “Good morning Momma” and give me a hug, I’m aware of your breath and the gift it whispers in my ear. I marvel at your spirit. Your voice is full, with will, whether it is deciding what clothes you want to wear or how you always want two pigtails in your hair. I smile when I hear you sing “My Country Tis of Thee” in the shower. When you tell me that your Momma is your BFF, I pause. Little girl, I want to tell you that I’ve been looking for your type of best friend forever my whole entire life. This morning when you jumped into bed with us, I remember your squeeze and your words saying, “It’s a Mommy sandwich.” Then you planted one kiss on my cheek and on your Daddy’s cheek and said “I love you.”
As you turn five tomorrow, I am in awe of the little girl you have become. Your love of girly things, like nailpolish and pigtails, your ability to perceive and observe the world around you, and most of all your capacity to love. Often times, you say to me, “Momma, everyone’s my friend.” I love hearing that from you because I know you truly mean it.
So Happy Birthday daughter. Thank you for teaching me what to hug. I love you. Momma
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My little girl turns five on January 8. I can’t believe it. How do you feel as your child gets older? Do you feel present in your parenting life? What little tidbits do you think you will remember years from now about your children?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Rudri,
I appreciate the honesty of the tug between mothering and career, between claiming one deep friendship and sailing over the waters of many good friends, and the images of mother and daughter… and how we mirror and learn from each other. The act of parenting is about being open, present, loving and ultimately a willing learner. You’ve captured that! Happy birthday to your daughter and to you!
Oh, Happy 5th!! My oldest turns 5 in March and it’s killing me. 🙂 I’m so thrilled with his growth and what a lovely child he is, but I ache at how fast it’s all gone.
Happy Birthday Nandini!! That post put a knot in my throat. Being present emotionally and physically for your child is the best gift you can give them. Happy 5 years of being Momma 🙂
Thank you for sharing the loving exuberance of your now five year old daughter. Your post reminded me of the joy of being the mother of a little girl long time ago. This indeed is a precious time to be savored.
Happy 5th birthday, beautiful girl! You are absolutely huggable and your momma loves you so!
Happy Birthday to your lovely girl. It looks like she’s taught her mommy a thing or two about grace and letting go–children are awesome like that. xo
Happy Birthday to your beautiful girl!
The rhythm of your steps coaxes my own heart to beat. —
This is marvelous! Happy birthday!
A wonderful tribute, Rudri. Your daughter will love reading this some day 🙂
A very happy birthday to your daughter (belatedly). And a post worthy of reflection. This is a choice that many women make, and few men feel compelled to. Why must that be the case?
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful girl. Happy birthday, sweet girl! The morning snuggles in bed are the best, and I try to soak in every precious minute of it. I wish you and her many more happy, mommy sandwich moments!
Happy Birthday to your pigtailed, nail-polished sweetheart! And thanks for giving me the gift of remembering to be present, always, as the days pass so quickly. So very quickly.
Adorable all around—All Best Wishes to all of you.
Nothing is more powerful than making a choice. Purposefully, wholeheartedly making a choice. And then marveling at the beauty of your decision every, single day after. This was such a lovely post, Rudri. Thank you.
(PS: You were one of the winners of my music giveaway last week. Let me know what song you’d like and I’ll send it to you!)
Being present in the parenting is such a blessing. I am more present than my mother was able to be, but still not as present as I wish I could be. The balancing act is never more perilous than when juggling career and motherhood and wifehood. You seem to be doing it well.
Happy (belated) birthday to your sweet girl!
She is beautiful. I agree…I’m more present now than ever. I think that’s one of the most important thing that children teach us…to be HERE. Now. Happy Birthday beautiful girl!
Now I’m crying in the middle of Starbucks. Every word resonates with me right now- trying to work and also be present. So hard. I love how you made your choice. Happy birthday to your best choice. Thanks for this today.
A very happy (belated) birthday to your beautiful five year old! And happy anniversary of the day you became a mother. (Isn’t it amazing how much our children can teach us about life and ourselves?)
xo
Happy Birthday to her…and warm wishes to you! You are both so lucky to have each other. That is so very evident.
xo
You made me cry… I can promise you that when you look back you will NEVER regret the decision that you made almost five years ago. The times goes by fast and before you know it, you will have a grandchild. That’s life… a vicious circle. Nandini will not remember the drafting of motions for legal cases, but she will remember that you were there for her and that, my friend, is what IS important and you are so very blessed that you can provide her with not only a FT Mommy, but one who also happens to also be her BFF! 😉
Many blessings for MANY more years to come-
Angie
Rudri I love this. I am struggling with this – limiting my reach to focus on our babies – and you write about your choice and your little girl so poignantly. I hope my little girl will be as precious as yours in 5 years!
So beautiful, Rudri! You are doing a great job, Momma.:)
What a beautiful child inside and out. She is her own person,, yet you shine through. Hope her birthday is wonderful. Rudri, I enjoyed this beautiful write.
Happy birthday to your beautiful little girl!
Children are so amazing, in the way that they teach us all about life, and what is truly important. Your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful mother!
Don’t know how I missed this gem, but a belated and heartfelt happy birthday to your sweet one. Lovely mother. Lucky girl.