The desert is full of natural paradoxes. Sometimes it startles me, but its presence coaxes me to breath. This past Sunday I was standing at the edge, looking out at the red scenic rocks, the gaping hole in between mountains and the green lush trees that line the edge.
I’ve struggled in the recent months to find where I should land. The more I live my life, the more questions I have about it. I realize, though, I become so mired in finding purpose that I am guilty of sometimes not living life to its fullest extent. I dwell on the past. I anticipate and worry about the future. Althought I talk and write about living in the present, I realize that so often my mind isn’t on the present, its on something intangible, whether it occurred in the past or will happen in the future.
It isn’t necessarily balance I am seeking, but a way to crawl out of my own vortex of thoughts. Like a vortex, my mind swirls, in circles, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but I never stop spinning. In the Sedona mountains, there is a spiritual vortex that you can feel, the right combination of energy can lift you, can thrust you out of the process into your destination.
I’ve written about this before and I know this repetition. But I am still seeking. I yearn for a focus, to find that central point in the vortex, but I am mesmerized with the periphery. The things that don’t matter, yet I make them matter for reasons I don’t understand.
For now, I am embracing the spin, hoping one day that I can find my own spirtual vortex.
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Have you found your vortex? Do you sometimes feel as if your spinning? How often are your focused on things that don’t matter? Do you focus on the periphery even though you know it is unimportant?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I love your use of the word vortex. Are you familiar with the Abraham Hicks teachings? Their idea of the vortex is an energetic space where you are at one with your higher self and in the flow of life without worries, resistance, etc.
Getting into the vortex is about feeling good and enjoying the ease of life. Yesterday I was struggling all day to get there. I was feeling cranky and as if people were working against me. But I realized that it was all me and my perception. I had to remind myself countless times to focus on something beautiful, something good in my life, like my kids’ sweet faces or my smart students or the benefits of my job (of which there are many). It was a long day but at least I was trying, and that made all the difference because I had glimpses of the vortex instead of being far away from it.
“Embrace the spin.” I like that. I think I’m going to write it on an index card and keep it in my office–it’s that good!
Rudri – I was just wondering about you this morning. In the context of, hmmm…I wonder how she’s doing. And now you answered my question 🙂
Like you, I currently feel like I’m spinning myself but to embrace the spin, I feel like I need to understand what it is that I’m spinning towards or away from…Can you tell I’m not quite on firm footing these days? Well, at least you’re not alone. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to say.
To a certain extent almost everyone is in a vortex. Very few of us reach a place of stillness. I don’t know if effort alone will get you there. So all you can do is keep living your life to the best of your abilities and maybe someday you (we all) will stop spinning.
I call this the whirlwind. I feel like I’m always grasping for something stable to hold onto, yet life never stops moving. I wonder if these years are just the whirlwind/vortex years. With kids and work and so many years still ahead of us, perhaps this is just what we have to be okay with …
Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Rudri,
Renee from (WWWB) here. Love the succinct thought process about the intangibilty of how to arrange thoughts and think about living. Well done. Keep embracing the spin and something from the profound will sift to the top. It’s already beginning.
A gift for you… paying forward on a blog award. I love reading your blog!
Oh how I wish I could stand right there, right now. That looks so beautiful. And…is it bad that most of the time I feel as though I’m in a vortex?
What a beautiful, thoughtful contemplation, Rudri. We can relate to that feeling of being mesmerized by the periphery. Perhaps it takes these incredible spaces – nature, so much grander than we are – to lift ourselves out, even occasionally.
Sometimes I look at the vortex that is my house (i.e., crazy, messy, chaotic) after a long day, and I feel sure it is a reflection of the vortex in my mind. I feel like, if I could stop the swirling in my head, the swirling in my day-to-day life would disappear, too. I haven’t figured out exactly how to do that yet, though, and therefore continue to swirl, swirl, swirl right along with you.
I know what you mean about finding somewhat useless importance in the periphery. I believe that certain peripheral things are importance, but for the most part I take those unimportant items and thrust them to the forefront of my mind. Silly, silly. (Me, not you.)
I hope that in writing you find a little bit of clarity and maybe even the focus you are looking for.
It’s funny. As I was reading I was thinking – enjoy the spinning (envisioning you, as a little girl, on a sunny day spinning with arms wide) and then you said it, “I am embracing the spin!”
Perfect!
You know, I felt a mystical peace when I went to Sedona. The natural beauty just really spoke to me.
Anyway, embrace the spin. Embrace the spin.
The spin cycle of life. Might it be the ideal place to survey our choices?
The periphery is mesmerizing, I agree. (Especially from where you’re standing!) But I also think there is something comforting about resting in one’s own thoughts. It’s safe there. And when searching for something as big as “purpose,” safety is important.
I love Sedona.
And I’m always, always searching, seeking that landing strip, puzzling through that vortex. I don’t know if I’d have it any different, though.
Hi Rudri – I’m pretty sure I’ve found my vortex, and yet I do spin. A lot. So for us seekers, I think it’s kind of important to find a vortex that allows for plenty of room to spin within it. Plenty of leeway for mind-roaming, with room for past, present, and future within it. Does that make sense?
I enjoy seeing the world through your eyes, Rudri. Thank you for pondering on the page. You make me think about my own life.
ps-You know I’m a HUGE vortex fan. I have more research to do in Sedona soon. Want to come tour the vortex sites with me?
Lovely picture. I think most of us at one time or another focus on what really doesn’t matter. Changing the focus is the key to peace. It was really hard for me to learn to refocus, and I still have to readjust my lens at times.