The substance of our lives are comprised of ordinary moments. We are creatures of routine, immersing ourselves into our own daily merry-go-round. Each day is much like the one that passed. What will we remember? Will it be the moments that we discounted as too ordinary as we were living them?
I am asking these particular questions because this past month I’ve been consumed by all of my moments that aren’t happening. My novel isn’t working. Some days I don’t have enough discipline to get it to work. When my writing doesn’t work, I entertain thoughts on reentering the legal profession. That leads to thoughts about taking another bar exam and how I am so not prepared to “study” after being out of school for almost ten years. I begin questioning my purpose outside of my roles as wife and mother.
When my daughter has a cataclysmic meltdown in the middle of Target, I then wonder how much of this mothering thing I am doing right. Are my husband and I raising the best child? In those unexpected moments, when I am washing her face, trying to get her to bed, she pauses and looks up at me, and says “Can you buy me a brother or sister? ” My heart falls a little, pondering if the choices I make as a woman and mother are the right ones for my daughter.
I play tug of war with what is and what isn’t everyday. I lose focus and reflect. I stop. I know that we all have these battles with trying to live in the present, questioning what isn’t, actively anticipating what may come.
As I ponder these thoughts, my daughter, comes around the corner and says, “I love you Momma. You are my favorite person.” I smile, give her a kiss on her cheek and tell her with emphasis, that I love her too. It’s not as if all my questions have disappeared, but for now, I focus on an ordinary moment, precisely aware that this moment is what I will remember.
And you know what? I will take it. Because it is exactly what I need right now. And for that I am grateful.
Do you focus on what isn’t happening? Are you consciously aware of what ordinary moments you will remember? What are you grateful for today?
Image by Radhika Bhatt