I am busy. On any given day, I can make a list of what I’ve accomplished. Of course, none of these checklist items are going to make a global impact, but I know these actions are important to my own household economy. Take yesterday for instance, I did the following: 1) paid bills; 2) got groceries; 3) dropped off and picked up my daughter at summer camp; and 4) other essential, but nonsensical activities that are required to parent a child, like answering a thousand different questions that begin with the word Momma.
The point of this list is not to inundate you boring details, but to demonstrate that I am moving, much like the spokes of a windmill. Sometimes I move in circles, busying myself with details, which leads me to question what real energy I am really producing. Energy that really matters.
It was easier to identify this energy as a lawyer. I would prepare an argument, present it to the judge, and either win or lose the motion. The energy came in the form of a win, a paycheck, praise from the client and my boss, and it felt good, a stroke to my ego. There was something so tangible about the practicing law.
When I compare my former life to motherhood and writing, I am not certain what I am actually producing. Motherhood is all about tangible actions, things that you do to help your child, but there are no guarantees. I hope all the moving that I do now for my daughter on the behalf of her, will help her in becoming a well-adjusted person in this world. But I don’t know that, not right now. In that way, motherhood is all about moving, but the energy that comes from it, I can’t see it right now.
In the same vain, I write and then I delete. I write again. I write ten pages in my novel. It gets critiqued and then I start all over again, moving forward and backward all at the same time. As I write, I want my prose to elevate, to move, and to create an energy that will effect others. But I can’t know it until I write and finish my manuscript.
I am chasing energy and the end goal, I realize, but perhaps I should put more faith in my own actions. That’s what does the real moving.
In what way do you participate in the chase? Do you always need to see your end goal to deem it worthwhile? Do you put more faith in the moving? Do you think about the energy you are producing?