I call myself a lawyer, even though I haven’t practiced for three years. In reality, these days, I am juggling new roles: wife, mother, writer, cook, maid, and general problem solver. I don’t introduce myself as the latter, I say, if I am asked, I am a lawyer. I rationalize that it’s a title that I worked hard for and so I am entitled to use it.
It is also a part of my past and when I was a twenty-something, my goal was singular. It was easy to think this way because my career experience was limited. So with little knowledge of the legal world, I declared that I was going to become a lawyer.
I didn’t think today, at thirty-six, I would be here. If you asked me in my twenties what I would be doing fifteen years from now, I would have told you that I would wake up in the morning, put on my business suit, load up my brief case, and head out the door to the courtroom. I don’t think I envisioned making my little girl’s lunch, loading her up in the car, and taking her to pre-school. No, those were not the visions in my mind when I was a twenty-something.
What changed? I can tell you it wasn’t just one thing, but several things. As you grow older, you realize you are not responsible for just yourself, but your family. It wasn’t just me anymore. It wasn’t a singular goal anymore. It was also confronting my own insecurities of what I wanted to do and how I wanted to spend the remainder of my time on this earth. You gain more experience and learn that what you may have wanted to do in your twenties isn’t what you are meant to do later in life.
So at this moment, I choose to do something else. It isn’t easy to say it out loud. After law school, countless student loans, and practicing for eight years, I have decided to embrace new roles in my life. At night when it is quiet and I think about my decision to walk away from law and I wondered if I made the right decision. I have moments where I want to go back to my old life. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. Sometimes though you have to walk away, shed your insecurities, and just let go.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
One word, Beautiful.
Only in 3-4 paragraphs you have recited the whole journey of your life..And there is so much a person can learn from this topic..Only a writer like you can do that..this piece is truly amazing..Dude you’ve got to publish a book..I’d be the first one to buy it! 🙂 Awesome work Rudriben..keep’Em coming!
Rudri,
I was excited to read your work on walking away. I had high expectations for you many years ago. As I am now 56, and still teaching, I think of the great students like you and am excited when I hear of the success I wanted so badly for them. I am sure that you make a wonderful mama and wife.
Funny, how your introspection benefits others. I guess I find myself in your exact spot at my age…being in my twenties…wondering where and how I exactly fit in this grand scheme. Can’t say I see myself loading my little one in the car either but who knows? If you did it…and are doing such a beautiful job of it…maybe it’s possible for me too. Your explosion as a new ‘blogger’ (i.e. your loyal readers and fans) should warrant some self-reassurance in what will soon become your new, future ‘title,’ that of a true writer.
Write on. 🙂
Rudri,
As you identify yourself by so many titles/job roles, won’t you please consider placing “writer” at the top? I suggest this because in your heart, I see you as a writer. In your head, you are the clear and logical intellectual being you have the ability and training to be. When you combine these two arenas of your being, you have such a beautiful gift to share with so many.
Your darling little girl leaves footprints in the sand as she walks toward the vast open sea. It seems to be a metaphor for you and a vision of what you are experiencing in this point and time in your life. What a “wise woman” you are at such a young age to see beyond the surface!
You GO GIRL!!
Loved it!
Trish
Dear Rudri, I am very proud of you. Keep it up. If your Dad was alive, he would be happy for you. Mom