On September 20th I turn forty-something. This birthday I’m contemplating past celebrations. Birthdays were small-big in my childhood home. We made a huge deal out of our birthdays by a single, small gesture – buying a cake with bright pink or purple or blue scrawled across the texture of the icing with several candles taking stand. We hunted for matches and with a bright orange-yellow flicker, a chorus of off-key birthday singing began. There were giggles and banter and family magic. Later, we’d cut the cake, one bite at a time and feed the birthday girl or boy. It’s this small-big memory that is raising its hand on the eve of this birthday and pushing me to consider what a privilege its been to inhabit another year with my family, friends and the space I call home.
These words yell in surround-sound : “I see me.” On this eve, I’m comforted by the mantra, I see me, through my perspective and am not viewing myself through the lens of another’s perception. It’s a quiet confidence of settling and sinking into what’s underneath my skin and embracing it. My telescope is fixed on how I interpret who I am – I arrive at my truths through my terms. This distinction is important because for years I spent evaluating who I was through another person’s reaction, whether it was an unkind glance, a harsh word or a lack of acknowledgement. In the last few years, I am cognizant about the role visible and invisible stories play in our lives, how much they skew behavior and learning that most of the time a person’s reaction has more to do with individual insecurities than anything I’ve done.
I’ve made a pact to hug the quiet. It might mean staying outside a little longer, breathing the air, observing the grace of the morning and the evening, learning to recognize in a given day so much is influx, but the gloaming of the sun, the blue blanket of the sky, the interchange between light and darkness are constant, consistent and universal.
Perhaps my paying attention to what’s constant is my yearning for consistency. I’m learning the value of one of my favorite quotes, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives,” by Annie Dillard. In trying to live the breadth of those words, I intersect with a single powerful word – consistency. In an active effort to live an intentional life, I focus on what means the most to me and am striving to create time in my life to leave space for what fulfills me. It means exercising, writing, reading and engaging in a purposeful relationship with solitude. I’ve also found another surprising place for the word consistent. It’s what I look for in my relationships, especially in my friendships. The art of a good friendship, in my opinion, hinges on a consistent give and take in both words and action. With uncertainty coloring most of our days, we all seek the feeling of falling and knowing even when we aren’t looking our family and friends will catch our fall. I am asking the same of myself – instead of jumping to a conclusion, I am learning to ask, whether my actions rise to level of a rational and good person or friend.
I apologize for the confusion and ramble of this post. It’s a larger metaphor for midlife. The more I age, the less I seem to know. For now, I concentrate on my personal absolutes and what I do know. I know I am happier when I am in the middle of my small-big moments, whether it’s on a morning run, holding hands with my husband, teasing my mom and sister, witnessing my not-so-little-girl’s moments, a few hearty laughs with friends who not only know me, but get me too and contemplating how words fill the hollow spaces of my life.
So on this eve of my birthday, I am grateful. For all the small-big moments in my life.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Happy birthday Rudri! I love Hug the Quiet. If you make tee shirts I will buy one. Have a beautiful day. Thank you for this seeing. Xoxo
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Pamela – (sorry, I am just getting around to thanking you). I’d buy a t-shirt with that phrase too. xo
So beautiful! Happy Birthday, Rudri ?
Thanks for the wishes, Roma!
This is a beautiful birthday tribute, Rudri! I love your plan to Hug The Quiet. What a great visual 🙂
Happy Birthday to you, my friend!
-Windy
Thank you for your wishes and friendship, Windy! xo
Another beautiful reflection filled with your unique wisdom. There is stuff in here for all of us to ponder. Happy birthday Rudri.
Aww, thanks, Kathie. I appreciate the wishes and the kind words. xo
Happy birthday! In this midlife as we doubt ourselves we learn we actually are quite wiser than we give ourselves credit. Listen to those nudges, and embrace the knowledge that spirit speaks in those quiet moments of solitude.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Susan. The accompanying doubt is always a sign that I need to look harder and listen to the whispers.
Happy Birthday! It’s my sister’s birthday too. She turns 38, and feels a bit meh about it, but also thankful for the 38 years and her new son.
I look forward to gleaning wisdom from both of you, and from myself, (I hope?) as the years pass. Hopefully not too fast..
Happy Belated B-D to your sister, Tamara. Thank you for the wishes and I look forward to learning from you as well. xo
Happy birthday, Rudri! Gratitude is so important, especially when it comes to birthdays. I wish I had learned that when I was younger, but every year until this last one, I’ve ended up crying at some point or another on my birthday. This year I gave that up and decided to try gratitude. We’ll see if I can keep that up ;). Hope you are having a lovely day, and that this coming year is the best yet!
For a woman who is turning 40 you have much wisdom. The beauty of aging is having the luxury of getting to know more about ourselves and embracing it all. Hugging the quiet is a comforting mantra and may you have many hugs and small-big moments this year.
What a lovely compliment, Cindi. I do think there is infinite beauty in looking inward and in midlife there is some liberation in embracing the good and the bad. Thanks for your lovely wishes.
Happiest birthday wises to you!!!!
May god bless you in abundance.
Vani
Thanks so much, Vani, for the birthday blessings!
“The art of a good friendship, in my opinion, hinges on a consistent give and take in both words and action. With uncertainty coloring most of our days, we all seek the feeling of falling and knowing even when we aren’t looking our family and friends will catch our fall. I am asking the same of myself – instead of jumping to a conclusion, I am learning to ask, whether my actions rise to level of a rational and good person or friend.”
LOVE. May have to quote you at some point.
Aww, thanks, Nina! xo