“Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here.” —Eve Ensler
In the last few years, immersing myself in solitude is a must. I didn’t recognize this need in my twenties and thirties. My internal compass did not even identify that my lack of solitude tilted my axis out of balance. There were signs I missed. After overscheduled days, irritation developed. Socializing in large gatherings or at a cocktail parties often created internal tension. This question kept repeating itself: “Why am I not fitting in?” This led to feelings of self-criticism and doubt.
It is easy to plunge into the maelstrom of activity, to create a life of busy, and to never confront the silence. In the past I tended to orchestrate a pile of errands so that I could keep the cycle of busy moving. The doing became more important than the being.In reality, I never suspected that I gravitated toward introversion more than I ever knew. As much as I dislike standing in the middle of hordes of people, I am a social person. I enjoy a wide variety of friends and experiences, but, now, I know, it is only if solitude is still my safety net. I am not certain the exact moment when my philosophy shifted, but I suspect it arrived after becoming a mother, losing a father, and taking time to determine, as Eve Ensler, points out, “finding out what you’re doing here.”
Crisis tends to push you to ask big, philosophical questions. For that you need stillness and quiet. My need to drown out the noise became paramount because I longed to contemplate the landscape of my life. I firmly believe the pivotal question for all of us becomes, “What is our purpose?” This question may lead to no real definitive answers so I think most of us spend our lives trying to avoid even dissecting it. Maybe that is what I was doing in my twenties and early thirties. Hiding. Not really interested in finding purpose, but focusing on fitting in and assuming that would be enough. Of course, it wasn’t. It meant having the erroneous perception that I was “accomplishing” more, but knowing myself less.
Solitude may not offer every answer that I crave, but it allows me to plunge backwards, and catch myself.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I agree, it’s more important to know myself better than accomplish more. It took me many years to come to this conclusion. I enjoy being with family and friends, but I still need lots of alone time. I’m glad you learned this early on in life…you will reap many benefits from the practice of solitude.
This really resonates with me, Rudri. I think we are at similar life stages where we are recognizing the importance of finding meaning beyond the hurried, packed schedule so commonly associated with being successful and productive. I crave, crave my solitude and quiet time, my days without appointments, but unfortunately I’m still not comfortable telling people about it. I find that once I tell people I’m not “busy,” my time become less my own…they want more of it. I know that sounds selfish of me but I’m so guarded about my time and that time not spent running around or working is used to recharge mentally and just to get grounded. It is hard to explain that to friends though.
Sometimes I worry that I’m always immersed in work, or with my kids, or in a book, TV, my phone.
I worry that I’ve lost the ability to be in solitude, and to still my mind.
I really get this and I do think it’s an issue of mine.
It seems like over-scheduling always sounds like a good idea at the time until we’ve truly learned our lesson about the need for peace and occasional solitude.
In the middle of busy, you realize you want to be in a different place. It took me years to realize that feeling is the need for calm and place to drown out the noise.
Beautifully written. It is an important thing to understand about yourself, especially in a world where so many equate solitude with loneliness.
Welcome!
Good point, Nan. There is a distinction between solitude and loneliness.
I think people tend to equate over-scheduling with success and when they run into people who embrace “alone” time it runs counterintuitive to what society has deemed as achieving.
Personal solitude is something that I lack in my life. It seems almost impossible to find it. Perhaps, I should look a little harder.
It is all a process, Echo. Keep looking for it. You will feel a sense of calm when you settle into it.
So many snippets of this I love. Taking time to find out what we are doing here. Going backwards to catch yourself. It all resonates with me so eyespot. I crave solitude and like you didn’t always realize how much I need it. But oh how I need it.
Thanks, Tricia.
It is such a liberating feeling recognizing this need for solitude. I felt a sense of freedom when I identified that is what I craved.
Have a good weekend.
Such a wonderful post. One must love the company of solitude to love themselves & others.
I’m sorry for your loss (I recently lost my Dad to Cancer~one of the reasons I now blog).
Welcome!
Thanks for your kind words.
I am sorry for your loss. I also started blogging almost 5 years ago after I lost my father. Writing about his loss helps me process so many emotions. I hope you find the same solace while you write in your space.
Solitude is definitely my safety net. It is only then when I can fall back and catch myself. Hope your weekend is great!
Thanks, AJ. Solitude always helps me return to my self.
I didn’t consider myself an introvert for a long time because, like you, I enjoy spending time with family and friends. Big crowds or busy days where I jump from one activity to the next, though, drain me so much that I’ve finally admitted to myself that I am an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. Preferably with a good book! I’m not entirely comfortable just being along with my own thoughts yet.
Introversion is new to me too, Sarah. I think it takes time to process our thoughts and start acknowledging that we are comfortable with what it is unfolding in our minds. Writing and journaling has definitely helped me round out some of those sharp edges.
Thank you Rudri i really enjoyed reading this . For me it gets tough with kids , friends and family to find those moments . I do enjoy spending time with myself 🙂
I know it is hard, but I find that when I preserve my own solitude, I am a better to others. Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.