This past week proved to be difficult. I am always a mess when it comes to uncertainty. By Friday evening, my emotions scattered and out-of-place, I attempted to find my footing. Again, I slipped. It is in those moments when I am fully inserted in chaos, where I fail to realize that whatever is happening will unfold as it should. The “zen” part of the moment alludes me.
There are several instances where I’ve written about gratitude and appreciating the ordinary. These are goals that I intend to follow, but sometimes it is easier just to give into a negative emotion. When my daughter misbehaves, I am not always using it as a teaching opportunity because sometimes it is easier to put her in a timeout or even reprimand by yelling. When confronted in an argument, my first reaction is to master the debate by emphasizing my gut reaction. If someone shuns me, whether it is a stranger or acquaintance or friend, I tend to take it personally and internalize the disappointment even though I know their reaction is really not about me.
The ordinary grace of everyday life strums in the background in my life. The smell of coffee brewing in the morning, the smile that appears on my daughter’s face when I pick her up, and the routine loading and unloading of life, whether it is laundry or groceries frames the outline of my life. The routine keeps me grounded, but yet in the thick of conflict or disappointment what do I do? I react. I recognize the beauty of these moments when there is no external force threatening my lens, but that calm disappears in the middle of things.
In the past, I’ve repeated some catch phrases, “Stay calm, It will pass, Don’t jump to conclusions,” but instead these words become meaningless as if I’ve never encountered them before. This part of the process is what needs my work. To look at a situation and absorb all of it, instead of speaking to the part that relates to directly to me. I’ve always believe that how something appears or my perception is rarely the truth, but putting this maxim in practice becomes somewhat of a challenge.
I think much of this relates to my reluctance to embrace the silent part of a conflict or disappointment. In a larger context, I believe that my reluctance to meditate consistently is what triggers my reactions. Incorporating silence into my routine might be what I need to dull the edges of disappoint and to really see past the chaos of a moment and make a conscious choice to sit with the uncertainty, but not let it consume me. My goal is to see past the edge of disappointment and work toward synthesizing what it means in the overall arc of my life.
What are ways in which you deal with disappointment or conflict? Do you react or take a moment to catch your breath?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I really struggle with this myself. I keep trying to remind myself to parent in love not anger but it isn’t always easy. Stopping by from sits.
Melissa,
Reacting is my default. I am learning to employ some techniques to slow down before I gravitate toward my emotional response. It is especially helpful when parenting and dealing with people that are difficult. Identifying my triggers has helped as well.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it.
I used to react. Now, I try to respond. I think I have learned this from my husband, who rarely reacts. He is a ponderer. He thinks before he speaks. He thinks before he acts.
We bumped heads a few times parenting because I was too quick to make decisions based on my perspective of any given situation. I also was quick to anger. My emotions used to show on my sleeve. He always listened to what our children had to say before he made any judgment calls.
I still have far to go. When someone disappoints me; it does not hurt nearly as much as when someone discounts me. Sitting with uncertainty is difficult!
Robin,
Your response to my post resonates. My husband is also someone who sits with information and ponders his thoughts before reacting. I tend to jump to conclusions, make assumptions, and respond immediately without considering all of backstory. It is a definite struggle for me, but I am glad to know that I am not alone. As always, thanks for your insights.
As is often the case I can relate well here, Rudri. My husband and I are both very emotional types (reactors) and sadly we’ve modeled this for our son, and we’re seeing the effects now. He was always very calm but I think he learned from us that it’s okay to simply react, and now we’re trying to go backwards. Our family word for the new year is “peace” as in staying calm and cool headed as much as possible. I had a very bad moment last year when I wasn’t able to contain myself, and I learned the hard way to just stop and think before opening my mouth. I don’t know if this sounds silly but letting out a small grunt or sound seems to be working for me…I can’t stay quiet, so just making this small noise with my throat (not audible to anyone else) gives me a release for my agitation and helps keep me quiet so I don’t just open my mouth and say something that I’ll regret. If possible I try and ask myself, “Is what I am about to say or do crossing the personal line that I have drawn for myself?” Overall, I try to measure the decibel of my voice. There is a certain level that I am pledging not to move beyond. I haven’t been totally successful, but compared to a year ago I am at least more conscious of it on a day to day basis.
It is hard, Rudri, and you’re definitely not alone.
Thanks, Cecilia. I love that your family adopted a word as a unit. Peace is such a multi-functional goal and I know keeping that as your family’s focus will definitely remind you to not react. My struggle is not so much knowing I shouldn’t react, but stopping myself before I do. There is a definite disconnect between my head and heart in this matter. I also ponder the question of vulnerability in these scenarios. If the goal is to reveal our true selves, then why does it also become destructive as well? I appreciate that you have employed a technique that works for you and I hope to find some happy medium to navigate this dilemma. As always, you help me move forward. Thank you.
I st.ruggle with this too. I usually take time to think about it…but otHer times I just react.
Tiffany,
Like you, I keep repeating the following mantra: think before speaking. It doesn’t always translate into my practical life.