“To be mature you have to realize what you value most. It is extraordinary to discover that comparatively few people reach this level of maturity. They seem never to have paused to consider what has value for them. They spend great effort and sometimes make great sacrifices for values that, fundamentally, meet no real needs of their own. Perhaps they have imbibed the values of their particular profession or job, of their community or their neighbors, of their parents or family. Not to arrive at a clear understanding of one’s own values is a tragic waste. You have missed the whole point of what life is for.” Eleanor Roosevelt
This quote arrived in my inbox this morning. These particular words resonated the most, “To be mature you have to realize what you value the most. . . Not to arrive at a clear understanding of one’s own value is a tragic waste. You have missed the whole point of what life is for.”
Intrinsically I know what I value, but am not always committed to putting it into practice. In these days of busy, it is easy to lose what you value the most. Family and social pressure play a big part in this struggle too. So often we are wedded to what is politically correct that our own individual voice becomes part of a chorus. The fear that we may face rejection because we don’t go with the perceived flow is often prominent as it was in high school. In all honesty, acceptance and affirmation are still traits I seek. I am not ready to make the leap of always voicing how my values may be with odd with another. I am not certain, either, that convincing others of what I value is the way to cement those beliefs in myself.
What I value is not always absolute. In fact, the older I get, the black and white thinking I adopted in my twenties, has blurred. I am making more decisions in the grey. As I write this, the lines seen to get more crooked. My ramble here, though, is important. I do believe that there comes a point where you start learning that only a few can understand what you value. And that you are only comfortable announcing these beliefs to a particular few. More and more I am coming to grips that it is impossible to please everyone. There is cost to your own value system in doing so. With that, you also learn that no matter what, not everyone will like you and that is not a bad thing.
After my father passed, I spoke with a temple priest about life, values, and coming in terms with mortality. He used the following analogy in describing his experience: What you think about while you are living is what you will most likely think about when you are dying. The question becomes, “What do you want to put in your soup?” I was not capable of understanding this concept 5 years ago, but now, like the slow drip of a faucet, I realize what he meant to convey.
You have to ascertain what values you want to live with. You have to make your own soup. Because ultimately that is the one YOU will be drinking. And as Eleanor Roosevelt states, if you don’t figure that out, you will miss out on the whole point of what life is for.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Excellent post, Rudri. I love the soup analogy. The politically correct thing has gone way too far. I don’t find it necessary to scream my beliefs to all who pass by me…I live in accordance to them because they are the root of who I am whether others like it or not. No one should risk their integrity to please others or be accepted.
We have to make our own soup because that is the one we will be drinking, wise words here. We have to be true to who we think we are, not only with words but with actions. A wonderful post, Rudri.
I use to think in my 20s I was very enlightened and wise beyond my years. Now I realize that I was very young and my my ideas of wrong and right were not always wrong or right. I agree that I think more in the gray and all its many many shades and I am a better person becuase of it.
I enjoyed your post. Thank you. Visiting from SITS
In a high school Humanities Class, we did an exercise in what we value most. I don’t remember my answers to the question at the time. I think some people have this figured out and are able to carry it through into their lives. For others, it takes time to know what is truly valued. But, I agree with Eleanor R. that it is important to know what we value.
I used to be black and white. I have started to try and find the gray as I have aged. I get very tired of people who are so strongly committed to politically or socially correct positions, or the antithesis of that. It is so polarizing and non-productive. And honestly, I don’t know if it really has anything to do with values; as much as it has to do with being right.
My husband and I share the same values. It makes life work, when we are each pursuing different goals, seemingly going in opposite directions. But, we aren’t. We move together in what is really important and what we truly value.
As always, a very thoughtful and thought-provoking post!
Hi Rudri! I stumbled across your blog from Radhi’s facebook page, and I absolutely love it! In my recent joining and discovery of all that’s out here in the blogosphere, I am certain to be a regular follower of this one! This post rings particularly true, especially the aspect of wanting someone else’s endorsement, just like it was in high school and pursuing the ‘socially politically correct’ thing, whether it is right for you or not! You have put into beautiful words what I find difficult to say. I really enjoyed this post and I am hooked, for sure.