“You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts.
You have to pay your electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that’s all.”
― Cheryl Strayed
I discovered this quote over the weekend. It resonates with me on multiple levels. As a little girl growing up in an Indian household, good grades, a hard work ethic, and becoming a professional were emphasized as mandatory pursuits. A small part of me understands why it was so important to my parents to raise children who achieved. I believe, from what I observed in my childhood and now as an adult, that this philosophy is anchored in one word: status.
Status? How do you define it? Is it important to you? Does status define your choice of employment? Do you buy things based on how others react to it? Do you believe status really means anything at all? These are interesting questions to ponder. I must confess that in my twenties, my goals centered around this status driven concept. Introducing myself as an attorney became a pathway to tell people, yes, I made it in the world. Almost fifteen years later, the word status means something very different to me.
When I left my legal career almost 6 years ago, an immediate identity crisis simmered. How would I introduce myself now? Mother? In-between jobs? And why did I care so much about how others viewed my choice to step away from the law? Did my value as a person decrease because my answer to the cocktail question was much different?
As I get older, I am less and less impressed by the material. What I own or what others possess fades into the background. That does not mean that I dislike nice things. Like most, I splurge on the things that I love. Here’s the difference: I make those purchases because I enjoy them, not because I am looking to raise my status by impressing others. I am pursuing a career that does not carry dollar signs or huge bonuses. Writers are rarely motivated by monetary goals.
Mid-life is marked by reviewing notions of status and who you are at the core. I am more conscious of who I am inside, rather than a professional title that sounds like I am a successful person. Do I still crave the need for achievement? Yes. I think we all do. But the difference is I am doing it for myself.
I’d like to hear your thoughts on status. What do you believe about it? And how does it shape you?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Loved reading your article, Rudri. Interesting point to ponder, and I can certainly relate to the “now that I’ve left my career, what do I say when they ask what I do?” question. I felt that my career defined me in so many ways. Here’s the way see it:
I’ve been told it’s a big no-no to ask people what they do for a living, but I STILL do. My husband says it’s a big no-no because it can be mistaken as code for “how much do you make?” Again, I ask anyway. Why? Because I find it to be an insight into a person’s soul, IF they LOVE their work. How so? People who love what they do are expressing a creative aspect of their soul, whether that’s in raising a family, being a businessman, or racing cars. This has nothing to do with status. It’s about getting in the zone, whatever your zone may be, and blessing others with your gift. That’s what I loved about being a professor.
Now when people ask what I do, I always say I was a professor in my previous life; a health educator to be specific. What I’m sharing has nothing to do with status, and what it means for those getting to know me is that I LOVE helping people move forward within themselves. I lived for those moments where I successfully taught concepts in such a moving way that it caused my students to have an AHA! moment that changed their lives.
Bottom line? I think status is all a matter of interpretation, and it’s in the eye of the beholder. My goal is to keep my ego out of it! Rudri, thanks for the opportunity to reflect!
I have never been overly concerned with or impressed by status as it has never been the focal point of my relationships. However, I did purchase things because other people had them; now like you, those purchases are only made if it’s something I enjoy. I used to really want to be “somebody” just because I thought it would make people like me, It’s taken me most of my life to realize I am “somebody”, and to know I want to be liked for who I am not for some image I might portray. To have a kind nature is much more important, in my opinion, than money or status.
I sometimes struggle with this as well…especially where we live where status is important. Sometimes teacher just doesn’t seem good enough…but it really is.
I never cared much about status or how my actions seem. I am blessed because I followed my heart, I learned a lot of lessons but all the pain was worth the journey. I always did care about people and how I can change their lives for the better even if it was in small ways.
Coming from an immigrant Chinese family, Rudri, I can relate well to your story. I’ve struggled with this throughout my life…I’d always felt a bit different from my Chinese-American friends in high school, literally all of whom ended up as medical doctors. All of them. I was the only one who majored in English literature (so practical!) and then chose education as a career. But I tried to fight it. I began researching a law career when I learned that many English majors went to law school, and was feeling so hopeful that maybe I too can enter a prestigious field…but the more I learned about it the more realized it wasn’t for me, and so I chose to go into education with very mixed emotions. I knew it was what I enjoyed and what fit me, but I couldn’t help feeling that I was at the bottom of the totem pole among my medical school, law school and investment banking friends and classmates.
Of course, now so many years later, I’m very comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and also with the life partner I’ve chosen (he’s not “high status” either unlike the Wall St./Silicon Valley/doctor husbands of my girlfriends). We live in a modest home in a less expensive part of the country that I love. I’ve always followed my heart because the misery of living a lie just for approval is too great. However, it did take years for me to actually feel at peace with my choices.
Now the struggle is to maintain this belief while raising my son. Like my parents growing up I want him to be successful. But at what price? The Indian dad of one of my son’s classmates and I always have good long chats about academics and kids whenever we see each other at school. The cultural emphasis on education and status is strong and I hope that we will do right by our son.
Sorry for the novel!! Thank you for raising this question. I’m glad too that you’ve also reached this place in your life where you are doing things for yourself and not for others.
SO many people base their decisions on status or what their perceived status will be. It always makes me sad that so many end up doing things they don’t like/make them unhappy because they think they will make a lot of money or become a very important person. Great post.
Great post. I think that the status issue can be especially tricky within the blogging community because “success” or “worth” as a writer is measure by followers, Facebook likes, website views, etc. But I find that some of the most popular blogs are poorly written and very underwhelming. Why is that???? Short answer: I have no idea. Long answer: All of life is like high school with “cool” kids and popularity contests and clicks. As an author, I have found the publishing world to be nearly impenetrable for this very reason. I once read a post by a well-known agent who said that THE most important thing was the writer’s platform (i.e. built-in readership/popularity) with the idea coming in a distant second and writing skill coming in an even more distant third. I understand why this happens (publishers and agents need to protect themselves and they are a bit risk averse) but it still hinders progress and innovation and creativity.
In any event, I am glad to have found your blog via SITS Sharefest and you now have a new follower.
Great post I think status depends on how you view the world. If material things mean more to you then you will make sure your status is up to par. But for those of us who take one day at a time trying to pay that light bill status takes a back burner we are just trying to live. Let your status be known for helping someone up rather than material things. Stopping over from SITS Sharefest