Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. – Don Miguel Ruiz
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz always sits on my desk. I’ve referenced this book many times after feeling slighted or hurt by another’s actions. His agreements are simple: 1) Don’t take anything personally; 2) Always do your best; 3) Be Impeccable with your word; and 4) Don’t make assumptions. Intellectually, his advice is sound, but in the throngs of a difficult situation, is it possible to not take something personally?
I am not sure. Over the years, through my own experience and from conversations with family and friends, I realize over and over again, how often we take everything personally. I am particularly inept at dealing with petty slights. When the mom who refuses to say hello even though we’ve intersected a half-dozen times, it pinches my insides. I ask, “How hard is it to smile and say hello?” This one question spirals into looking inside myself, questioning, “What offends her so much that she cannot say hello?” The unanswered text, email, or phone call, will sometimes fuel a litany of speculation that ultimately leads to one place: nowhere. My all time favorite scenario is the exclusion from the party that “everyone” is attending, but you are still looking for the Evite in your spam inbox. Being left out often fuels intense questions of “Why didn’t he or she invite me? Why was I not included?”
I witnessed this feeling in my daughter. A few weeks ago a friend held a slumber party to celebrate her birthday. The little girl asked three friends and my daughter was not included as a part of this group. My daughter asked me, “Why did she not invite me? My feelings are hurt.” I addressed her hurt feelings and tried to comfort her. “Honey, you won’t be invited to everything. That is ok.”
Eventually she moved on and focused on her own weekend plans, which included playdates, other birthday parties, and a movie night with me. The point is, that for every one of these small losses, there are countless other people and events that affirm us and say that, you matter. Why not channel our focus toward this light? I am lucky for every person who does not understand or slights me, I can name at least three people who include and uplift me. For most, it is about affirmation.
Taking things personally, eventually, always turns me toward the light and goodness in my life.
And I am reminded again and again, how much I am loved.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I understand completely. I am the exact same way. I still can’t shake off 100% that need to be liked and approved. Earlier this week I saw one reader’s comment on a book blog I was reading, and I just loved it. She said, “Writers write to move. However, people are moved by different things.” (I should stick that quote up near my desk.) I often worry how people will respond to my blog posts, but I have to realize that different readers get touched by different topics, depending on their own very personal experiences. Extrapolating that to daily life, I have to remember that no one can please everyone. It is not our job to do so and it is not expected.
I really like your response to your daughter regarding the sleepover. I think that how our children react to these inevitable events will also hinge on how we model our own reactions.
Thanks for writing about this.
Beautiful. And so true. I think my family pastor said the same thing to me one day. I do also tend to take things personally.
Not taking things personally is a tough one…but for every person we think doesn’t like us there are many who do and when we focus on those people and the love all is good. It’s so sad to see our children hurt though and know we can’t take away the pain. Glad your daughter moved on quickly to other things.
Great sound advice by Don Miguel Ruiz but hard to follow. As much as I am about focusing on the light and the good, my feelings get hurt. I feel even worse if someone hurt my child. I understand your daughter. It’s hurtful, I am sorry. You handled it beautifully and with grace. You are right to focus on the love in your life..always the glass half full. Happy Sunday. 🙂
I always think I take things more personally than others, and that is why I’ve been afraid in the past to put myself out there. Now I realize, no, we’re all (or many of us) sensitive beings with big feelings that can be hurt easily. I love this perspective about focusing towards the light. I will admit that anytime I have been hurt badly, I have used the experience to grow. To do better. Thanks.
This is such a great reminder of the wise andpeaceful way to react to feeling slighted. I read somewhere recently that it takes as much effort to be miserable as it does to find joy, so why not choose the latter? I agree.
I do this all the time and am trying to get better at not taking everything personally. It’s not easy!!