“Am I a good mother?” This question paused in my ears. To be honest, I was a little surprised by my mom’s question. I talk to my mom everyday on the phone. And our conversations are generally about the mundane. It’s a flurry of how are you’s, what are you doing today, can I talk to my granddaughter when she comes home from school. So when she posed this question to me yesterday, it required me to stop and wonder how many of us have conveyed what picture we have of our loved ones.
Throughout the day, the question hung around mom in my mind. I wanted to reach out over the phone and give her a deep hug, one that she feels in her marrow. I realized I’ve spent so much time talking and missing my father, that in the last few years, I’ve failed to convey to my mom how I picture her. My mom is quiet, but when she laughs others can feel it. She’s endured crisis in her own life, ones that I won’t talk about here, but through it she’s always remained graceful and steady. A single important lesson she’s taught me: always always be the better person. Forgive. Let things go. Give people the benefit of the doubt. I am guilty of taking that advice for granted, but in some ways through her, I’ve learned to try harder to be loving and kind. My mom is something of an automatic in my life. In my heart and mind, she will always be with me. As much as I love my father, I believe I’ve got an internal compass that reflects so much of my mom. I’ve never said this to her directly, only because I just assumed she knew. I think all of us have a private picture of our loved ones, what we really feel about them, but because we may take things for granted we only have these kinds of conversations when we know time is short.
***
This past year, for the first time, I made her hot rotis, an Indian bread that is staple of most meals. When she put a few bites in her mouth, she looked at me and uttered the words, ” I am so proud of you Rudri.” I felt the validation of her compliment. And I want her to know this too. Mom, I am proud of you. For all the big things and little things. For afterschool snacks when I got home, conversations where you comforted me, and every moment that you made me feel important, even when others weren’t willing to do so.
And the answer to your question: Yes. Picture this mom, without you and the lessons you’ve taught, I would be less. I love you.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
This piece is part of Momalom’s Five for Five Series. This is my response to the prompt pictures.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I don’t know that there are words or pictures that can fully relay what a mother is to her child. Those are moments when I wish for superpowers, to be able to touch that special person and have them feel the way they make you feel. Whole, loved, perfect.
Rudri, this hits me in the marrow. Coming from a family who doesn’t talk about “feelings”, I wish I had a relationship with my mom that went beyond talking about surface things. With her, it’s like I should just know and intuit – she’s never said to me what I longed to hear and perhaps, I hold back too because of it.
I just hope we won’t miss the chance to say what we truly feel someday.
Beautiful! And it’s true about our mothers–we tend to sort of forget to praise them because they’re always there–a constant. We count on it.
Most days, I hope I’m just half the mother to my children that my mother was/is to me. And most days, I don’t tell my mom how special she is to me either. I assume she knows. I hope she does. I will tell her, soon. What a post, Rudri.
Oh, this is beautiful. And I relate to so much of it. It is so easy to focus, and fixate, on what has been lost while that which still remains is here and now and good and glorious. This is a priceless reminder.
Great – now I have tears in my eyes, Ru. So glad your mother actually asked that of you, to get you to stop and think about it.
What a gift. I hope your mother reads this. I think when we become mothers ourselves, we have the opportunity for the first time to look back and really see our own mothers as they were to us when we needed them for everything. It’s important to pause and appreciate and validate that, yes, we are here because of them. Mothers everywhere. To us all. Beautiful post, Rudri.
Lessons from our mothers. Yes.
I find myself trying to focus on the good lessons from my own rather difficult mother. And there are many.
A beautiful piece, Rudri.
What a beautiful post. It Made me cry. I’m very proud of you. Keep on writing. God bless you, love mom!!!
What a beautiful tribute to your mother!
This is so beautiful Rudri. My mother lives with me and I struggle sometimes to have the appreciation for her that I know I should have. My childhood was not easy, but I have to stop blaming her for her part in it and know that she can only be in the now, she can’t change the then.
Rudri, I am crying right now. So glad that you get to write this beautiful post and share it with your mom. She is a part of who you are. As you know my mom passed away and i wish I had her here today to tell her how much I love her and miss her. xoxo
Wow. This is so beautiful and open. Such a lovely relationship is a joy!! Thank you for sharing!
Such a heartwarming tribute for your mother. Hope she gets to read this and know what a great job she’s done with you.
Yes–as moms, we’re kind of more basic, I think. Easier to forget, almost, because we’re so present. I love this reminder.
This post is so full of love. Just beautiful, Rudri.
Lovely. And brave of you, too, to write out so clearly what can be hard to say in person.
Thank you for beginning with her photo. I know that’s sometimes tough online, but from the first image I’ve wanted to give that woman a big kiss.
She looks like the kind of person who smiles at a stranger in the store; a connection is made and the stranger actually feels better. All day.
You’re a lucky woman to have that in your life. Yay for your mom!
Oh my! You managed to make me cry. It is so awesome to let your parent know how PROUD you are of them. I take those things for granted, too. They need validation in expression, too. I know, because some day I would like to hear the same things from my own children.
This was magnificent, Rudri.
Alita
I read this post after I read the one about your daughter, where you talk about wondering when you will not be enough in her eyes. I think that your daughter will think of you the same way you think of your own mother.
I also ditto what Justine wrote above. I wish I came from the kind of family where it felt natural and comfortable to tell each other how we feel. Maybe someday.
Very moving post!
You’re as lucky to have her as she is to have a daughter like you.