Dear N.,
Today you don’t amble, but run with fury into your first day of Kindergarten. The night before, as I tucked you in, you asked, “Momma, will you miss me?” I turned my head in the other direction because tears formed a little puddle in a tiny corner of my eye. Tilting my head to the side, I told you, “Of course, N., I will miss you. You don’t know how much.” I asked if you wanted to stay home instead and you said, “No, Momma, I’ve stayed too many days with you. I’ve got to go to school.” I laugh at your immediate switch in feelings. Kissing you on your forehead, I turned off the light, trying to reconcile how every previous moment leads to this milestone: the letting go of my one and only little girl.
How did this happen? I still remember the smell of baby powder on your skin, how you would fight the all important swaddle, and the sounds of the breast pump whooshing at 3:00 a.m. in the morning. Your cries filled the room, despite the feeding, burping, changing, rocking, and singing. And now, you make your own peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, you say excuse me after your burps, you sing rhymes in the shower, and make up dance moves to your favorite songs.
In the last few months, the days were filled with me witnessing how you discovered your own likes and dislikes. You’re the only kid I know who detests frosting and always asks for your “muffins” without the cream. You prefer an Indian meal of roti, dal, and vegetables instead of a slice of cheese pizza. You love to work with your hands, whether it is helping me make a batch of cookies, rolling rotis with your grandmother, or fixing something with your father.
Each day you move toward your own you.
I love how every single new flicker is a learning experience for you. As we drive down the road, you spell out words that you see on street signs, and ask, “What does that spell Momma?” When I answer, you are not content, but probe further and ask, “What does that mean Momma?” You possess a need to learn and this summer I caught you a few times on the sofa, flipping pages to a new book. I wanted to stop and memorialize that moment forever. Because your Father and I think that reading paves the way for insight and learning and reflection. You are filled with wonder, something that teaches me everyday, to embrace the ordinary gifts that are in abundance around us. I’ve learned so many lessons from you. Kindness, wonder, living in the moment, laughing and crying with abandon, and learning to forgive and really meaning it.
Run with fury my child. Because you are right, you cannot stay too many days protected by the shadow of your Momma. A whole world awaits you. But know this one truth, Dear N., we will always love you.
xoxo Momma
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I’m bawling like a baby. Miss M. starts next week, and I’m already a wreck. She’s only gone a half day, but I still don’t know how I’ll bear it.
Good luck to Miss M next week. She will do great, while you will be left to be wondering why it seems so easy for her to leave. That’s the feeling I had as soon as I dropped N off at school yesterday. xoxo
How sweet. I hope N has a lovely first day of school and you make it through ok. Hugs.
Suzicate,
She had an a fantastic day at school. Loved every minute of it. It was hard for me, but I managed. Thanks for the hugs.
Sweet post. My little girl is off next week, too. Bets are 50/50 on whether I make it through — though she’s ready, like little N.
Thanks Miah. I hope your little girl has a great first day of school. Letting them go is a bittersweet agony.
I am a grandmother (“Mimi”), with many years gone by of the same experience! But your words fill my heart with sentiments and my eyes with tears as I reflect upon that most important very first day of kindergarten. It is a significant event for our own kids and (as a lifetime educator) for all children. My own adult kids call or text me on the first days my grandkiddies go to school and share similar thoughts. It is a very special joy for me as a grandmother to see this day through the eyes of my adult “kids.” Darn, its the milestones of child-raising that are always the hardest, but we wouldn’t ever want to miss them! Congrats on the success of these first five years to little N’s mom and dad!
Trish
Thanks Trish for your heartfelt wishes. I know you’ve enjoyed and witnessed so many moments with your grandchildren. I love that your kids keep grandma in the loop so you can relive those milestone memories again. What a wonderful and gratifying feeling.
Sweet, sweet girl. And sweet, sweet momma. Have a wonderful day, both of you.:)
Thank you friend! xoxo
Rudri,
What a beautiful post. One day N will read your words and she will be moved by your sweet words. I hope her first day and all the days to follow are filled with discovery and joy. Hugs to you. You give her wings and she will fly back home to you. xo.
She’s had a wonderful school year so far. Reading, writing and learning math and science. I am thrilled that she has a desire to learn.
I agree with you. How does this happen so fast? My boy will be in kindergarten next year, and I’ve recognized how astonishing it is that he will no longer be a preschooler. Beautiful post, Rudri!
Thanks Jana. The transition between pre-school and Kindergarten proved smooth, but there are quiet moments where I want to stop letting go.
I hope that her first day goes really well (for both of you!). She seems like such a sweet girl. Kindergarten seems to be such a magical experience.
She has loved Kindergarten so far. I hope the magic continues for the remainder of the school year.
I’m sobbing. Stop it, Rudri – you’re killing me here! This is so dear: “No, Momma, I’ve stayed too many days with you. I’ve got to go to school.”
How did this happen to us? How did they turn five and feel ready for school?
I have one week left before THE DAY. I’m soaking it all up…
I don’ t know how it happened Missy. I am still trying to figure it out. Hope your little one’s school year is going well.
What a special way to capture this milestone, Rudri. Know that you must be doing something right if she’s smiling that beautiful smile. And her preferred meal over pizza made me salivate. I love dal, roti and veggies!
Belinda, if you are ever in the desert, you will have to come by my house for some Indian cuisine. She’s had a wonderful school year so far.
My heart just swelled to 3 times it’s normal size…b/c of the picture and your words. My baby starts in 2 weeks…I can’t take it!
I hope your little one’s school year is fabulous. I am certain it will be.
Awww…this is sweet. I would love to know some of your recipes. I love trying new things even if hubby acts all cautious sometimes.
Maybe one day I will get the courage to put some of my recipes as a part of a blog post. Will definitely work on it.
Hoping these first weeks are a smooth transition for you both. Beginnings are often bittersweet, but you have so much more to look forward to.
Lovely post.
Thanks BLW. These beginnnings and endings are the substance of our lives. Sometimes it just takes some time to really let the gravity of the moment sink in.
Crying here too, Rudri.
What a gorgeous tribute to your daughter and, indeed, to the relationship that you have with each other. I hope N’s kindergarten year is one filled with joy and learning for both of you. xo
Thanks for your warm sentiment. I do find that each time she takes another step toward a milestone, I learn a little more about myself. It’s a great gift.
Such a beautiful post Rudri. I always felt excitement when my kids went off to school but reading t his makes me wistful for those days gone by.
Thanks Cathy. I imagine we all reach for those days of nostalgia.
So precious. So making me cry right now. One of mine is just off to college. The other two are in 2nd and 3rd grade. But you took me back to that precious first day of kindergarten and all the wonders of motherhood at that age. Thank you.
Jane: I know the transition must be difficult for you as your oldest embarks on college. She is entering the real world before the “real” world. It’s gut-wrenching and exciting all at the same time.
Rudri, what beautiful words. I didn’t know it would be so hard to watch them grow up, to let them go a little bit at a time. You are raising a spirited, interesting and curious little girl- a testament to what a great mother you are. Hope her first days went wonderfully!
Beautiful! How they grow up so quickly…