This past Tuesday marked the beginning of summer. At approximately 1:16 p.m. the sun reached its northernmost extreme and appeared to stand silent and still in the blue and white pillows of the sky. Later that same afternoon we drove to the hospital to visit a good friend who gave birth to a baby girl. It required entering and exiting the doors of a wholly familiar place, something I automatically dread because it conjures images of my father and the darkness of those hospital days. My husband and daughter were with me, but I hid from myself, not revealing any of the apprehension that could greet me in those halls. Somehow I kept expecting to ride the elevator with a man sitting in a wheelchair, the cannula in his nose and the oxygen trying to make that inhale-exhale sound.
I never encountered that man.
What I did experience surprised me. I held the hand of my daughter and marched out of the elevator and entered my friend’s room. With exuberance I gave her a bear hug and turned toward her little baby girl. I asked if I could hold her, this fresh pink petal of goodness in my arms. I gazed into her little eyes and I thought to myself, “This is the texture of a new beginning.” Holding that little baby jolted something inside. A punch in the core that didn’t sting, but felt comfortable. As if someone was yelling at me, saying, life isn’t always about endings. There are palapable beginnings too.
Sometimes I am mired in past grief, not willing to acknowledge all of the goodness of life. How could I forget the power of this kind of beginning? Its texture is one that you can breathe in and smile and remember. And ultimately yes, there are endings, but this reminder to relish the beginning radiates. And for the first time after two years, I took notice.
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Do you relish beginnings? Or do your mire yourself in endings? What are different beginnings that have left an impression on you?
Image by liberalmind1012
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Rudri, today would have been my dad’s birthday and it’s hard. When I read your post it brought back that recently I became an aunt again. The baby is named after my mom and when I held him I felt like I need to let go of some of the pain. It’s still hard because the ending is never going to be an ending but it will always be a part of me. xoxo.
Oh Ayala, your words here brought a swelling of sadness in my heart. Happy Birthday to your dear father. I know today will be hard for you. Sending xoxo my friend. And thinking of you today.
thanks for sharing this beautiful moment…so glad you’ve found a new beginning.
Thanks Suzicate. I am grateful for experiencing this new beginning.
Rudri, you amaze me with your writing. I think about all this stuff but I could never put it into words so beautifully. Every time I read the blogs from you something moves inside me and I can’t explain it.
I have not experienced loss of a loved one but it is one of my worst nightmares and whenever that happens I will be able to recall this moment and find courage to move on with happy thoughts and blessings of new beginnings.
Thank you.
Priya,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. A writer’s ultimate goal is to stir the core of his or her readers. So your compliment means so much to me.
As for losses, we all eventually experience them and I realized that these make beginnings even sweeter.
Hope you and yours are doing well. xoxo
I loved reading this post. It made my heart smile!!!
Thanks Jennifer. So glad this post resonated with you.
Beautiful post. So glad you took notice, Rudri.
I’ve had some experience with very emotional beginnings and endings (start and end of a business venture, birth and death, founding and closing of organizations) and am learning the importance of the stuff in the middle. I think that that’s where our investments (personal, emotional, other resources) really grow and possibly make way for more fruitful beginnings and endings.
Thanks Belinda. The beginnings and endings you talk about are certainly ones that propel you to grow. The middle that you talk about has always been the most muddled for me, especially when I am dealing with uncertain endings.
This week I struggled between the pages of the present and the past. Some family issues resurfaced and I endured a roller coaster of emotions. Tonight I am catching up, inhaling, exhaling, and feeling the past creep away into its dark corner again. Always there waiting to lung at me and drag me down, but God is always here pulling me back to the light. :o)
Nikole,
The tug and pull of emotion is so difficult at times. Hope your days are filled with some peace again. Sending positive thoughts your way.
What a beautiful moment.
Thanks Tiffany. I learned so much from that single moment.
Exquisite writing, Rudri. I could feel the power and strength of that “pink petal of goodness.”
Thanks Kelly. The power of that moment was very palpable. I needed that reminder.