Don’t let what other people think decide who you are. — Dennis Rodman
At parties, when meeting people for the first time, like most, I’m often asked, “What do you do?” It is an interesting exercise to observe people’s reaction to this question, the sense of how they feel about your answer registers immediately on their face. In my experience, I’ve received three different reactions depending on how I choose to introduce myself, whether it is mother, writer, or lawyer.
This conversation played itself out two weeks ago, when I attended a pool party with several people I didn’t know. When it came time for that popular question, I chose to introduce myself as a writer. The mutual friend that hosted the party interjected and said, “No, no. Don’t listen to her. She is a lawyer.” I was a little surprised that she would, one, speak for me, and two, felt that it was important that her friends knew that I was a lawyer. Did the label of lawyer make me a more legitimate person than a writer? I corrected her and said, “No, I am a writer. I haven’t practiced law for a number of years.” This conversation lingered in my mind for a few days. What if I didn’t write? What if my occupation was mom? Would that make me less of a person in her eyes or in their eyes? And do I care? And should I care?
The obvious answer is, no, I shouldn’t care. But it isn’t always that easy. Right or wrong, most people base their perception of people on what they do. Here’s the truth. Although I am working on my writing, I may never publish. Does that make me a failure in people’s eyes? I don’t know.
What do I do? Do I return to law because I generate outcomes and revenue? So that I can say, yes, I practice law and win or lose cases. It’s the answer people can wrap their ego around. It’s a tangible response and something that people can understand. And because it generates revenue, it seems more valid, than something that doesn’t. I am writing, but I’m not generating revenue. I don’t have a series of books lining the shelves of the local bookstore.
For a moment I thought about what others may think and I’ve come to the conclusion, that on a very superficial level I might for a mere second worry some about what people think. But then that thought leaves me. Because ultimately, you can’t let what others think decide the life you want to lead. It’s futile because you won’t achieve happiness by fulfilling someone elses expectations of who you want to be. The people I really care about, my husband,mom,sister and daughter are my personal cheerleaders in my career change. My mom, every few days will read a post and comment that she really loved a line or sentence. My sister will text me about post that really touched her. My daughter, these days, tells my husband that she is going to be a writer when she grows up. I smile every time I hear her as I’m working on my memoir.
The people that I care about the most value my decision, revenue or not. And I think that is the important lesson. You can live your life for yourself and the people that care about you. Or you can live it for the masses. And really, ultimately, does it truly matter what they think? I think Dennis Rodman says it best and it is worth repeating, “Don’t let what other people think decide who you are.”
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Do you care what others think? Why or why not? Have you made an important decision based on what other people think?
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Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I care far too much. But as I’m aging, I’m getting better.
I’ve found too, that with age and the experience of knowing better, I am better equipped to just live my life without caring what others think.
I don’t usually care what people think – thought I’ve been a little strange my entire life, so I guess I’ve gotten used to weird looks!
That’s great Megan! I think that kind of free spirit attitude often helps in not caring what other people think. Thanks for stopping by!
I care more than I should yet some days, my defiant self wins and I do exactly as I please, not to please. And that is liberating. Oh Rudri, you so are a writer 🙂
Thanks Justine. I think ultimately I do what I want to because I realize pleasing others is not a pathway in making myself happy.
I used to care far too much. Now I feel their reaction says more about them than about me.
I think that’s great perspective Suzicate. And so often what people think has more to with them, than the decision or action you’ve taken.
I really dont care what others think of my career. I dont really recall any incidents where I have listened to someone about what they have to say about my career.
And you know what D? I know we’ve had conversations about this. And you are right, your career is your own and you shouldn’t let other people’s judgments effect what endeavors you want to pursue.
Logically I’d say that I don’t care but in my heart I know I do. I’m trying to get over myself. 😉
I think we are all in some ways trying to get over ourselves.
This issue of self-definition and self-esteem based on what pays the bills, or what role we choose to make preeminent, is so typically American. Okay – maybe North American.
Why-oh-why can’t we let go of the trappings of status we impart to these titles – just a little bit? Do they capture who we are inside? Our value as people? The stories we have to tell?
Fortunately, as we get older, I think we distance ourselves somewhat from these conventions, realizing they do matter very much. Or, if they matter to someone we’ve just met – perhaps they aren’t someone we really want to know.
BLW, I’d have to say in my experience the role of profession also plays a big role in cultures outside of America. For instance, Indians have always valued “professional” jobs, such as physicians, engineers, lawyers as having more value than, let’s say, a career in the arts. It’s definitely a societal construct and the idea that revenue and the title make the person, not whether or not that person is truly happy in a particular career.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that there are some people who are not really worth getting to know. But it’s taken me a long time to get there.
The older and wiser I become, the less I care. But I’d be lying if I said what other people think of me doesn’t matter in the slightest. I gasped out loud when I read your friends correction of your occupation. But your own self discovery and conclusions and that wonderful quote were spot on! Perfect!
Thanks Jane. I know we all struggle with this to a certain degree. Just because I’ve reached this particular conclusion about what people think doesn’t necessarily mean I am actually great at practicing these principles. It’s, as the cliche goes, a work in progress. Glad to see you in my space.
That’s terrible.
On a personal note, I’ve been looked down as a writer. Because I didn’t have a book published and their lack of understanding of the whole writing process or on blogs in particular, I was considered flagging in my writing, not following through. The first response when introducing yourself as a writer is, “Oh, did you publish a book?”
There are lights in their eyes as if they had just shook hands with a celebrity, but that light dims when they realize I have never published a book. I run a successful blog and book review website online, been published by some small presses, and I am working on some short stories and a novel, but that isn’t as sensational as saying, “Yes, my book is on the New York Times Best Seller list and I’ve sold my stories to 50 magazines. Touchstone is also going to make my novel a movie.” Sigh. But if we didn’t write out of love of the craft, we wouldn’t last very long in this career field.
That is the first questions I am asked when I say, “I am a writer.” People like to wrap there around a tangible outcome.Thanks for your response Nikole. I am glad you are still reading.
There’s nothing wrong with being just a mom either, but you’ll never please the crowd that looks to associate itself with someone in a fancy career.
I do care, though I shouldn’t, of course. And I wish with all my heart that our society didn’t base value on revenue, but it does, doesn’t it? It took me a long time to feel worth as a stay at home mom and aspiring writer, and I don’t think I’d quite accomplished it when I went back to the work force (albeit part time) and started bringing in (feeble) income as a travel writer.
Society is a hard to figure out. I believe in certain circles artists are valued, even if we aren’t generating revenue. People who have followed a traditional pathway in forging a career aren’t so comfortable in pursuing passion. Ultimately, I think you have to love what you do and do what you love, despite society’s notion about what you should do. Thanks for stopping by!
I do care but I’m trying really hard not to.
Me too.
I’m so glad Daniel posted a link to your blog on facebook. 🙂 You’ve done a great job of verbalizing what many of us have felt. When I was teaching, I ALWAYS dreaded answering that question. 99% of the time, the reaction folks had was to immediately tell me their worst story about the worst teacher they ever had. Seriously? Thanks! I’m always glad to know that I could scar my little 6th graders to the point that they’ll be telling nasty stories about me 40 years from now. : /
So, then I retired and stayed at home for a year. No kids, I just didn’t work. It was nice, but goodness I floundered when asked, “What do you do?” The answer, “Lots of gardening and reading” seemed to throw folks off rather seriously.
In any case, I just had to say, thanks for writing about this experience. Maybe someday we can get past the “What do you do?” question and go with the more interesting, “So, who are you?” and the easier, “Tell me about yourself!”
/rant 🙂
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. I love the question “Who are you?” and I believe it is such a better way in getting to know people. There are so many that are more concerned with defining a person by what they do, instead of delving deep to figure out who they are.
I appreciate your reading and commenting.
Thanks for stopping by!
I wish it wasn’t so but I do care too much what others think about me, especially when it comes to my career. This is obviously because I am insecure in my choices to leave corporate finance for something else, anything else, and yet I continue to define myself as a finance person when asked at a party.
Great post!! It’s nice to know that Dennis Rodman has some insight into things…I had no idea. 🙂
Ameena,
Thanks for stopping by! I was surprised by Dennis Rodman’s comment as well, but found it incredibly insightful.
I also do the same thing when it comes to introductions. I am getting better, but in the past, I’ve introduced myself as an attorney, even though I wasn’t practicing law at the time. I am certainly working on it.
Great post. When Raj and I moved for his job I used to stumble over “what I do”…”I was a personal trainer, who studied social work who went to grad school who now freelances..” needless to say, I confused a lot of people, myself included. I let go of it about six months ago and realized that my past accomplishments are kind of like a secret little joy that I carry around with me, not a tool that I use to impress other people. And it makes it much clearer who the people are who just care about a resume and those who really care about me. Love that your daughter wants to be a writer!
Judy: I love your outlook on this. I like the analogy of carrying little secrets around with you and using them for your own personal gratification instead of trying to impress people. There are people out there who don’t care about labels – it is just a matter of finding them. Thanks for stopping by!
I tend to care more about the perception of someone I have a relationship with than someone I don’t know. Last week, I went with a colleague to meet with a mayoral candidate in town. I didn’t do my homework and wasn’t as prepared as I would’ve liked to be. I cared that I may have disappointed my colleague; that to him, I may have looked like I didn’t care enough about the meeting. I didn’t want him to think that so I apologized for not having been as prepared as I should’ve been.
As for what other people think of what I do, I generally don’t think about what others think. If they’re interested enough, it’ll show by way of them asking a question, then I’m happy to have a conversation. I generally care more about whether or not I feel I’m doing a good job. Some days, the answer is more favorable than other days. Some days, I know I could be doing more and feel bad that I don’t do enough. Other days, if I may be honest, I’d rather play than work!
Belinda,
That is a great perspective. It shows that you care about the people who mean something to you. And I think that makes sense. The rest is just noise. Thanks for stopping by!