As I approach the end of this year, I hug my family a little closer.
2010 was the first year of my life that I didn’t see, speak or hear from my Dad. The void is one that leaves me, I am not afraid to admit, a little petrified of living. I’ve talked about the pendulum, the swing between happiness and sadness, and how I am afraid of the swing. This week solidified my anxiety of the up and down motions of life. In one week, I learned that my aunt passed, and days later, my fifty year old cousin succumbed to gastric cancer. Yesterday, we learned of a firefighter that died of a brain bleed, only four days after he was diagnosed with leukemia. The day he passed on he was only thirty-five.
It’s too much to absorb sometimes, this constant reminder that living is full of death. The awareness of this doesn’t scare me; it propels me to focus on the moments when I’m surrounded by the embrace of joy. I want to honor the happiness when it comes and not question it.
What I hope for, not only next year, but every day, is that I have the opportunity to love the ones that are dear to me. I hope to see my daughter grow up. I hope to grow old with my husband. I hope to have coffee dates with my sister. I hope to hug my mom. I hope to be with friends that care about me as much as I care about them. I hope to run. I hope to live fully. I hope to read. I hope to write. I hope to celebrate. I hope to do all that this life can offer, the good and the bad, because as much as I hate the swing, I realize that it is my sensitivity and awareness of it that will commit me to living a more full life.
What I hope for doesn’t change because the year turns into different numbers. It’s always there.
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Happy everyday to you and yours. My hope for all of you is to live your life as fully as you can. Not just next year, but everyday for every year that is to come.
Thanks for honoring this space and my words, by your reading and writing.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
Very well written…
Wishing you and your family a happy new year and wish you the best in the upcoming years as well. Here’s to living life to the fullest!!
I know exactly what you mean, that the constant reminder that life is full of death is sometimes too much to handle. For me, the truth is that I don’t know how to handle it, or that I’ll ever really be able to. New Year’s Eve is the birthday of a close family member we lost a few years ago – it’s now the anniversary of the many celebrations we had for her, including the one after her death.
Thinking of her, and of you and your father and others as we head toward the new year, always hoping.
Your posts always strike a chord with me… so very true. All the bad around us makes us appreciate the “good.” What keeps me going is knowing that our loved ones and the ones we only know through others that these unfortunate circumstances happen to; especially at such young ages, are in a “better place” than where we are currently and that we will again see them someday.
“Happy New Year and to many more numbers!!!”
Angie-
Part of growing older is losing some of those we love. There’s just no way around it. When you add the beauty and fragility we come to understand when we become parents, there are moments when we sense our vulnerability and immortality. It’s hard, but less so when you have family and stories to share.
I, too, wish you and your family many more numbers. Have a wonderful New Year, Rudri.
Thank you for the reminder to live fully each day!
I think that flower, opening to the sun on a field of green, growing with its roots in the muck, says a lot and echoes and amplifies what you say with your words and your heart. I keep searching for a word to convey, “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you,” but for now I’ll simply hope to add adequate ballast to my Namaste to you and all your hopes reverberating in the here and now.
I hope that all of your hopes are fulfilled. Wishing you a 2011 filled with beautiful blessings!
I completely agree with you, Rudri, that living life to its fullest should be our top priority. I know I have not done this as readily as I should and am hoping to change that with the coming year.
“This constant reminder that living is full of death … doesn’t scare me.” I envy you that, Rudri. It scares the h*ll out of me. Every time I hear about senseless, terrible deaths like the ones you described, my anxiety kicks into overdrive and I become convinced that I or someone I love is next. Though I wish I could come to terms with this and find some way around the near-constant anxiety, my fears have brought me to a place where I truly appreciate (or try to appreciate) the moment I am in. Your post is a lovely reminder of the awareness I, too, strive for.
Oh my goodness, you’ve been hit with some very sad news there and at such a sensitive time of the year when so many are filled with joy. I’m so sorry.
Until members of my family started a long succession of bereavements from 1998 onwards I was barely touched by death and it was only then that I realised how blessed an existence I had led. The loss of loved ones has certainly changed me where I too sometimes struggle to live in the day and not worry constantly about what tomorrow may bring. I’ve sometimes wondered whether I need some kind of counselling but then I remember that birth, life and death is the normal and recognised cycle for the vast majority on our planet, I’ve just led a gloriously charmed life in that respect and now had a painful reality check, that’s all. I’ve come to the conclusion that the key really is to focus on what is good, *today*. New year resolutions have always been a ‘no no’ with me but even more so with my life experiences of the last 10 years or so. To me, your wishes are good and true and that’s really as it should be for all of us. With the turn of the calendar, this is a new and exciting period – a blank page to be filled according to the twists and turns life throws at us and how we choose to react to our life circumstances.
I came across this quote today at my friend A-M’s site ( http://thehousethata-mbuilt.blogspot.com/) and as I think it relates to much of what you have said I’m going to repeat it here:
“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”
— Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose)
2010 was very tough for us but I hope, I *think*, 2011 will be better for us. Whatever life throws at us, this is how I plan to focus my thinking this year and I hope it is of some help to you too.
Thank you for a wonderful year of articles last year. Your writing is always thought-provoking. I wish you and your family a healthy, happy and wonderful new year (albeit a little belatedly as I sniff-cough-sniff at my keyboard here)! I look forward to more wisdom from you this year my friend. All the best. x