At precisely 5:45 a.m., I walk down the steps of my home for my morning run. It is still dark, the sky looks as if it is a layer cake, with shades of sapphire sandwiched between raven black. The stars are making noise overhead, the constellations a welcome glimmer. As I bend down to tie my shoe, my neck cranes upward and I notice the Little Dipper. Seven bright stars hold hands together and its presence mesmerizes me.
Its effect pushes me to reflect. I am not certain why I feel this way. I’ve never had an affinity for space, always dismissing the planetarium field trips as a young girl. But as I revisit the Little Dipper, its radiance acts as a flashlight into my mind. And what I experience before my morning run is an intangible that is impenetrable.
And that is important. So far, the thirties have provided questions that I thought my experiences prepared me to answer, but I’ve found that there is cloudy film that veils my innermost conscious. At times, my footing is unstable, vacillating between who I should be and what I am. I bounce between these two worlds, boomeranging into an oblivion, not understanding the tug and pull between doubt and certainty, acceptance and rejection, happiness and grief, disappointment and gratitude. Often times, I am dangling, one foot on the tightrope, while the other is trying to scoop air.
What prevents me from completely falling is the safety net that stares at me before my morning run. There is consistency, the knowledge that life happens even when you are not looking. The stars will arrange themselves day after day into a pattern and will persist and transcend. As I finish my run, light welcomes me. The Little Dipper is gone, but I still envision it. The certainty of its permanence transcends the blurriness of my own soul.
______________________________________________________________________________
Does nature help uplift you? What are things that give you comfort, that you believe are permanent despite what is happening in your world? Have you ever felt a connection to space when you didn’t expect it?
Image by jdurchen
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I love “the sky is like a layer cake.” Yes, I often feel like I’m on that tightrope too. It’s good at those times to stargaze and remember how little we are.
Nature uplifts me most definitely, always has and always will. When I pull on my hiking boots and get to witness some amazing natural phenomenon, or walk through woodlands or stare out to sea or across a still lake, I feel totally at peace and inspired.
Nature definitely soothes me. I love that moment before the morning run.
I never noticed the *stars* until my childhood friend was murdered when I was 29. A part of me has never been the same since as I know just how fragile life is from that horrific experience. I was pregnant with my 3rd son at the time and from the enormous stress of it all, I went out to the hot tub late that night after her services, all by myself and looked up at the sky. I saw one “twinkling star” that shined much brighter than all of the rest and it gave me a sense of peace, as I knew that was Dawn letting me know that she was in a better place. The sky, i.e. sunrise, sunset and stars can give peace to our soul like nothing else… it’s surreal.
Rudri, I love stargazing. I also love watching clouds. I, too, have moments when I’m possessed with all things me but looking up and seeing just how vast the sky, the world, is is both humbling and soothing.
“The stars will arrange themselves day after day into a pattern and will persist and transcend.” So beautifully said.
The stars will arrange themselves day after day into a pattern and will persist and transcend.
A beautiful reflection, Rudri. And so true.
To quote one more section of this beautiful post, “There is consistency, the knowledge that life happens even when you are not looking.” So true. So beautifully written.
Really beautiful, Rudri. And such a lovely reminder that – as much as life changes, and we feel lost at times – there are things of permanence all around us. Reassuring, isn’t it?
I enjoy gazing up at the moon and stars. They remind me that I am a speck on this planet and that the world isn’t about me. My son is beginning to look to the sky each night as he becomes more interested in astronomy. It’s pretty awesome how the same bits of light and gas affect us all so differently.
The certainty of its permanence transcends the blurriness of my own soul. – love the way you put this. Nature always helps me put life in perspective.
Beautifully said and yes, I feel a strong connection to nature. It feeds my soul so that I can sometimes look at something like the ocean or a mountain vista and I’ll actually feel a little emotional – *happy* emotional that is.
I also have a total fascination with the stars. I sometimes look up at the moon and the stars and marvel that there could be thousands of us doing just that all over the place so that in a small way we are all connected in that moment. I even think that out there, somewhere on a distant star, an intellegent creature may be gazing at the heavens, looking back at me!
I love looking at the stars and being amazed and mystified by how much we know and don’t know about them. I really love thinking about all the distance and time that passes between us and them. I look for the Pleiades, the tiny dipper.
Your writing is always so gorgeous, reflective and big. I love to gaze at the stars, though I, too, have never been more than remotely interested in space. But the light, the vastness, the undeniable beauty and the presence that is just so much larger than life gets me every time.
I wanted to thank you so much for this comment. I feel the vastness too when I look up at the sky and in a very strange way it provides me much comfort.