It was last week sometime. I think. Or maybe a few days ago. I am not sure when it happened.
I was sitting in my office typing, while my daughter was playing near me. I kept typing, while she busied herself around my legs, trying to tickle my feet. Without warning, I hear a scream from her after she eyes my purple-pink spider veins and says “Momma, your cracking.”
I laughed when she said it and tried to explain to her that it was just a skin rash, knowing that was a weak and untrue explanation. Midway through my response, I realized I was attempting to explain a spider vein to a four year old. What I wanted to tell her was how there are times when I feel like I am cracking. Oh, if you only knew, I thought to myself.
When I run these days, especially after a long run, my knees start to hurt. I haven’t just pulled one gray hair, but pulled several. I’ve noticed brown sun spots on my face, along with a couple of wrinkle lines. My hair is not lush, but a little lived in. I have to exercise more to keep from gaining weight and I can’t indulge in ice cream as often as I would like. The memory isn’t as sharp and I find that I have to write things down a little more often. And yes, I have developed a few spider veins.
I am cracking, but in a strange way I am comfortable with it. With aging, comes an irreplaceable accessory, the most important crack – experience. I find that I am less emotional about things, choosing to try to solve the issue that is bothering me, instead of crying about it. I try to take things less personally, learning that most of the time, what is being said isn’t so much about me, but about another’s insecurities. The sting is still there, but it lasts for a passing second and then is gone. Although there are times I am anxious, there are longer stretches when I am particularly at ease with what is happening around me. I understand myself more and find little need to justify my actions.
With every vein, wrinkle, and fine line surfacing, I understand that time is passing, but it is happening to all of us.
The cracks, well, most days I don’t think they are so bad. I’ve learned to laugh at them, while my daughter points out new ones to me everyday.
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What do you think about the aging process? Does aging bother you? Do you feel more comfortable with yourself as you get older?
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I love how you turn something unavoidable in life into beauty and eloquence.
I’m cracked, too. From one end to the other, like the ceiling in my bedroom that was fixed and repainted two years ago. Most of the time it frustrates me, that no matter what we do, or how many times we patch the crack, it keeps reappearing. But I guess that’s what happens when the house settles into the structure, and becomes a home.
I don’t like the physical aspect at all. Grey hairs and encroaching wrinkles don’t bother me but the aches and pains do. On the other hand, in my head I agree with everything you say – now I *know* I’m right…because I’m older and have more experience! However I’ve warned my husband that we have just a few short, heady years of being wise, clever and respected by all, before everyone suddenly starts treating us like the ‘doddery old f*rts’ down the road! 😀
It’s funny but in terms of physical fitness I have not noticed a real difference yet, I feel fit and energized and am probably more so now than in my twenties when I never exercised. I could just do without the hot flashes 🙂
I think you are so very right, with age comes more comfort in our skins, we are more “lived in” and I like that but I do wish there was some way to fill the cracks and resurface the face as you would with a home showing signs of age 🙂
This was a great blog!! I laughed out loud at your daughter saying “you’re cracked!”.
I agree with you – there are some physical things about the aging process that aren’t so pleasant, but overall, I value and treasure the experience that comes with growing older and wiser. I think back to things I did or decisions I made when I was younger and just have to laugh. But that is part of it – learning from your mistakes, growing with life and understanding yourself a little more with each passing year.
Your daughter’s very astute – like her mom. We are all cracking, really! 🙂
I can’t say I love my age but my life is richer because of it and if that means less ice cream (even though this saddens me) and more grey, so be it. I can have sorbet and dye my hair; I can’t be the person I am today, the person I actually like and am proud of, without the experiences over the years from my past.
I liked this entry. So very true. Just accept age and continue living. I’m blonde and so I haven’t gotten the grays yet. I’ll take a little longer, but I have noticed that my hands are beginning to look a little more like I remember my great-grandmother’s hands–not fragile or paper thin–but just the coloring now, the freckles–just like my great-grandmother. Why be afraid? She was a beautiful woman.
lol, Nannu is so funny….. !!! I love her responses to various things.
What a marvelous post, Rudri! And so timely for me. Just this morning I woke up with a sore back (earned from lifting my son out of a shopping cart yesterday) and a mysteriously sore finger. “I’m just not as young as I used to be,” I told my husband. But, like you, I’m okay with the aging process so far. I’m proud of my scars and experience wounds. Now if I could just find a way to be a bit less creaky… 🙂
Ah, yes. And very well written.
The other day, I stared at this gorgeous 20+ year old young woman as she downed deep-fried stuff with every bite. Perfect body and skin. I wondered how long she’ll be doing that before any undesirable consequences show (with just a hint of cattiness).
I feel like I’ve earned every badge of authenticity that I have. It feels good to be OK in my skin.
I adore this post. Really, really adore it. So wise, and true. I’m with you, it gets easier to just be doesn’t it, the older we get?
Oh my goodness. I’M cracking, too! I love – no, I adore calling this part (or all parts) of the aging process “cracking.” Simply perfect. You have a very wise daughter.
I love this. Thank you for reminding me to see the beauty in aging. To be honest, I’m afraid of getting older…I guess because I’m afraid I’ll die not having lived. Ironically, this fear keeps me stuck, and thus not living :p Anywho, with a birthday coming up next week, I suppose I should celebrate the wisdom I’ve acquired.
Beautiful post. I suppose true beauty and wisdom lie in all the wrinkles, grey hairs, and supposed “cracks.”
Alas, this body is only but a canvas to portray our experiences, maybe true bliss and peace come from embodying a weathered yet resilient soul?
What a beautiful way to look at aging…and very true.
My goodness, I’m cracking, too! I love this. You turned a funny innocent remark from your daughter in an eloquent and lovely piece.
“With aging, comes an irreplaceable accessory, the most important crack – experience.” Well said.
Like so many things, my age occasionally takes me by surprise.
Like: whoa, grey hairs and creaky knees, when did that happen?
The good thing is I have little time to dwell on the passage of time, thanks to the little people who both age me and keep me young.
Rudri, when I saw the title of this post I was worried about you. But no need, it’s just the funny interpretation of a 4-year old. Very endearing!
This struck me as so true, yet so difficult to remember at times: “most of the time, what is being said isn’t so much about me, but about another’s insecurities.”
I agree – on an academic level – with your words. But at the gut level, I don’t want to age! I use face creams and take vitamins and exercise, all in hopes of preventing those signs of aging. Someday I’ll finally realize it is unavoidable!
Funny and so true!