My husband and I are the proud parents of one daughter. I must have missed the memo, but for some reason having only one daughter has become problematic. In social settings, I will introduce my family and there is that one person, who will raise his or her brow, whisper with a little noticeable edge of scorn and say “You have only the one.” I don’t know exactly what that means, but I don’t like the way it sounds. It sounds like a judgment. Other mothers are more blunt, and have asked the question, “So you don’t want another one?” Some have even questioned whether I want a backup to my only child, like she was a computer disk or a zippy drive. I don’t know how to respond to the only child question because it is a personal decision if a couple decides to have one or more children or none at all.
To be quite honest, at this current moment, we are happy with one. Raising one child is difficult and it doesn’t make me less of a parent because I don’t have a brood of two or nineteen. People are quick to judge, though, unless it fits their scheme of how they think other people should live. I confess that I been guilty of it myself sometimes. I look at couples who have been married for a long time and have wondered why they don’t have children. It’s exactly the same judgment others are making on me when they realize I only have one daughter and wonder why I don’t have two. The point is you don’t become less of a person because you don’t have any children or have one and you don’t become a better person because you decided to have more than one.
For us, it is a blessing, to have one. She is a well adjusted child who plays with her classmates, is sweet when she wants to be, and throws the typical tantrums that any other child throws. She is one, but she is normal. In my mind, having one child isn’t wrong. It is something that each couple has to evaluate and find out what works for them. In our life, one works. It doesn’t mean in the future, two isn’t a possibility, but for now I will embrace my one, and make no apologies.
Welcome! I am a lawyer turned freelance writer, essayist, and editor. On staff at Literary Mama and the co-founder and co-editor of the literary journal, The Sunlight Press, my essays and reported work have appeared in The Washington Post, The Lily, Saveur, Civil Eats, Brain, Child, ESPN and elsewhere. I am currently at work on a memoir on grief and culture and how it provides perspective on life’s ordinary graces. I invite you to appreciate the ordinary with me. I hope my daily practice of seeing the magic in the mundane helps you celebrate and find more of these moments in your life too.
I am always amazed at people who have the nerve to comment about something so personal. I think your daughter is wonderful, so good for you for not making apologies or explanations because none are needed!
Thanks for the vote of confidence Kathy. I appreciate it.
I agree that it is presumptuous for people that you don’t know well to why you have “only one”. However, don’t take the question “Is she your only one?” from parents with more than one, as anything other than assessing perfect play date match ups. As a parent of two, it is sometimes hard to accommodate the play date needs of both and our easiest and best friends to play with also have two very close in age to mine.
Katy,
Good point. I was referring to people who don’t know me too well, not to people whom I consider friends. I will keep in mind that sometimes it is just a logistical thing and has nothing to do with being personal. Thanks for your take on the matter.
Ru… I’m going to have to say, that the opening statement here kind of rubs me wrong. As much as Nandini belongs to you, you will never “own” her… not like you can own that computer disk or zippy drive. Of course, I’m sure she will make that clear to you in the teen years, right?
BTW – Cadence asked me yesterday when she would see Nandini again because “she’s my best friend” Funny, huh? I then explained to her that the reason we even knew Nandini was that her mommy was one of my best friends!
I agree with you. We do not own our daughter and so I changed it. Thanks for your input. I always appreciate your comments Kristi.
As for Cadence’s comment, that was too cute and funny. It’s strange how they pick up on things. As for your response to her, ditto…best friends who have seen you through good bad and in between are simply, for a lack of a better word, the best!
Bravo, Rudri! Our “only” is seven now, and people (including family) still ask when we’re having another one. I had one person tell me that it was unfair of me to place the burden of caring for both my husband and me on just one child. Yeah…that’s why I had a kid to begin with…so I would have a nursemaid in my old age!! Right…
Thanks Brandon! I can’t believe someone said that to you, but then again with the various comments I have received, anything is possible. For some reason, if your choices don’t meet someone’s stereotype, it is wrong. Thanks for stopping by.
Rudri,
I agree, we should never make apologies for our choices in the size of our families. One of my sons has chosen to have one child too. We need to respect each other’s choices in all things. Thanks for this topic.
Kathie,
It is a personal choice and I think that is what people forget sometimes. Thanks for the comment. See you soon.
I love the one! I’m sure Jumi would be jealous if Masi had to share her love with another little one. Rock the oneness! 🙂
Thanks lil Sis and Nanu’s favorite Masi!
I have one-a grandchild I am raising and I am grateful that there is “one”. I have a busy life and it sounds much the same as yours-Nana can I…, Nana look at what I made…Nana can we cook something..Nana there is a fair at school…Nana-girlscouts is today–Nana can I read to you–it goes on and on and (for the most part) I love it!! Enjoy your one-if laatr there is another “one” you will love it too
Thanks for the comment Nancy. I guess the constant barrage of “Momma” and in your case, the constant “Nana” is their way of showing love. There can be worse things. I appreciate you stopping by to read my blog.
Oh, you’re singing my song! It’s simply shocking what some people will say. My husband and I have been married 8 years, and have chosen not to have children (yet, or ever – we’re not sure yet). There are comments from my grandparents fairly often. My parents know not to go there.
One time, about a year ago, at an extended family and friends event, a gentleman actually asked me if there was something wrong. I was stunned! I just smiled and told him, no nothing is wrong, and walked away. I wish I had given him a piece of my mind.
So nice to have found you through Belinda’s blog – nice to meet you Rudri.
Eva,
Thanks for stopping by. I think sometimes the best thing to do is walk away, but sometimes you just want to yell back.
I am glad you found me and I will be certain to check out your blog. Very nice to meet you as well.
Rudri, I am glad I visited your blog. This post alone was worth the trip. 🙂
We can’t have children, so you can imagine how painful it can sometimes be whenever folks innocently ask when we’re going to have one!
In fact, my lovely wife wrote a post on this topic not so very long ago. You can see it here if you’d like:
http://trottersville.com/2010/02/10/
It’s so refreshing to see that there ARE folks in the world who aren’t so quick to judge on the basis of having children or childlessness. Thank you! 🙂
Tony,
It is such a personal decision and sometimes I am floored how people are so quick to make assumptions about such matters.
Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate it.